Rebuilding

Even though I almost never update this thing, I never forget it.

I never forget how good it feels to just type and let everything I wish I could say, scream, just flow out of me.

It's been around 3 months since I moved in with my dad and I can tell I've changed a lot.

Or at least thats how it feels.

I've joined a DBT group; it was sort of my Psychiatrists last wish, even if she didn't know it. Dr. B. had been prompting me to find/join one for a few months before I stopped seeing her and even though I wasn't seeing her anymore I knew that her advice was still valid. After seeing her for 5 and a half years I really built up a lot of trust for her and if it wasn't for money issues I'd probably still be seeing her now.

Of course now that I've pretty much neglected to call/notify/anything her since January I won't be seeing her again.

DBT is good though. At first I wasn't sure about it because the other women were so much older but eventually a women who was still older but much more upbeat, if not happier, and things got better.

Then K, who I met back in 2006 showed up. I was so thrilled!

Not only a person I knew and trusted (we were 16/17 when we met and both had tried to kill ourselves, knowing someone is just as crazy as you and won't judge you for it really is a good common ground) but someone younger who I could relate to for a change.

I'd almost say I liked DBT.

Of course I'm not sure it's really helping much with certain things.

I'm still bulimic and I've been having insanely powerful urges to cut again.

I did however take the iniative and tell Hedi (my therapist) about them.

I've never told anyone about urges before acting on them without being prompted first.

It was a huge step from me, the self proclaimed 'hater-of-therapy'.

I guess I don't hate therapy...it's uncomfortable.

Isn't change always though?

So I've made that change and I've also got a number for a new Psychiatrist in the area and even though it's been a while since Hedi gave me her number I think I'm going to call the nutritionist that Hedi recommended back in September as well.

Might as well tackle it all in one fell swoop.

do you think there are any pointless holidays? if so which ones?

Easter, pretty much all of the ones without gifts or fireworks. Idk, Zombie Jesus is cool and all, but I'm not sure how I feel about celebrating spontaneous reanimation.

Ask me anything

Who is the most important person in the world to you?

My mother and sister, tied.

Ask me anything

What is the best compliment you have ever received?

My Ts at Castlewood telling me they believed in me.

Ask me anything

if you where offered the job of president of the united states right this very second would you take it or turn it down?

No thanks.

Ask me anything

what is the best foot lotion you have used? where do you buy it?

I hate touching feet.

Ask me anything

stickers or stamps?

Stickers

Ask me anything

sun or moon?

Moon.

Ask me anything

would you rather work with adults or children? why?

I want to work with teenagers.

Ask me anything

Did you ever watch that show "Nick News" on Nickelodeon? And for Nick watchers, did you used to watch "Snick" on Saturday nights?

I always remember the Nick News where they said how kids in Korea read Ann Frank as an example of how NOT to be, I'll never forget that shit. I <3 Snick!!!

Ask me anything

heyyy howd you survive the holidays. do you have a new years resolution?

Murder Everything

Ask me anything

You're on a walk on a snowy day, you see someone (age and gender don't matter) else walking and they slip and fall, what do you do?

Laugh and steal their shopping bags.

Ask me anything

what are you doing to take care of yourseld TODAY?

Text my mini-BFF so I don't jump off of a bridge.

Ask me anything

frogs or rabbits?

Both frighten me.

Ask me anything

Dear Body, idk

I do not appreciate you telling me off for making you wait so long for these meds.

This nausea and sick-ie feeling really just makes me not want to take them, even though I do feel like a real girl again.

I'm back on Metadate after a long respite and a brief stint on a tiny tiny dose of Adderal.

Obviously it was the right thing to do because I'm updating this/actually have the energy/concentration to update thins.

I don't know, I just haven't really been myself lately.

A lot of things have been going on.

I've moved in with my dad, continued to be on speaking terms with my mom, continue to babysit my cousin on most Tuesdays and Thursdays, and take only one class this semester on Thursday nights.

It's been a weird time but I can't quite sum it up in any other words that weird.

I recently spoke to a friend over the phone and it seemed like every other 'word' was idk.

It's just an 'idk' kind of time for me.

Untitled

Untitled by Cassidy Colleen featuring red pumps

Hesitance

I shall go on record to hesitantly say I think I might be on the road to alright-ness.

New Year, Same Old Issues

Hi y'all.

If you've seen my last post (which I'm too lazy to go back and either delete or edit) you can probably tell that I've been in a bit of a rough spot.

Or at least I was for a bit there.

I overdosed on clonazapam 8 days before Thanksgiving. I spent a bit in the good ole' ward (my first time since August 2007) and got popped back into the real world more of a mess than I was before the whole situation.

Honestly, not even I know what exactly I was playing at there.

I don't know why I did it, or well, I do but it doesn't make sense or play by any rhyme or reason.

I guess that is the nature of mental illness.

I left the hospital the day before Thanksgiving and on my discharge papers was a reminder of my past that I'd really stopped thinking of too much.

'Borderline Traits'

Borderline personality disorder has been something that's been revisited again and again for my doctors.

Every single diagnosis I've had, whether diagnosed my a doctor on paper or casually mentioned is somehow connected to this.

I feel like this one diagnosis controls my 'on-paper-fate'.

It's like I'm a bundle of over-exposed nerves and sometimes I just can't stop feeling.

I'm supposed to hear from my Psychiatrist this week about a DBT group and starting 'specialized' treatment but I can't help but think sometimes that I'm just going nowhere.

I pretty much bombed this semester, just like Laura W from Castlewood said I might if I took on too much, but the kicker is that I was barely taking anything on!

I'm ruminating on this now, which probably means I'm overtired and need to put myself and this post to bed.

Sweet Dreams