First day of college!

It's my first day of school y'all!
I'm so excited!
I got pretty anxious and sick to my tummy earlier but I'm so excited
now!
And fo' shiz I've got to say, I'm looking pretty darn fierce today!
I've got dark wash trouser jeans, a black tank top and cardigan (which
makes the 'girls' look fabulous!) open heart earrings to remember my
family is with me, and my special Life without Ed charm neacklace to
remember to love myself and stay positive, and I've also got some long
pearls I knoted off on.
I'll try to post a picture using somebodies camera later.
Wish me luck loves, I'll post about how it is either tonight, on my
break, or tomorrow( I've got off Tuesdays and Thursdays yay!)
TTYL
Xoxo

Close calls

Oh what a difference a day can make.
I'm sure I worried a few people yesterday, my self and my family
included, but things feel worlds better today.
I've got the house to myself till wendsday, or at least my 'side' of
the house. I'm sure Haley will be running back and forth helping me
set up my new room and just trying not to be too bored.
School starts on wendsday and I've just set up my FINAL schedule
earlier today.
It's exciting and scary, and I already can tell Ed might be kicking my
ass for a while, but I'll survive this.

......no use hiding

Between January and September 2006 I was hospitalized 3 times due to
suicide attempts. Add in August 2007 and we've got 4.
Now I'm praying I don't make it to 5 but I'm still not sure if I'm
praying I don't try, or if I'm praying I don't survive.

I love my family

This is going to be a long exciting week.
Yesterday I was at an outdoor speed skating race for Haley from 5.30- around 4. Even though it was raining and the races started late (and happened in the parking lot of the park instead of the park) and she really raced pretty poorly (understandably) it was fun.
Tomorrow morning my sister's going to leave for Virginia and on the 26th I have my first day of both riding the transport bus and college.

It's exciting, and sort of scary but I wouldn't be anywhere without this woman

There she goes again

*sigh*
I suppose I set myself up for this.
After writing a long tangent of a post about my cousin Xavier I should
have known he'd start acting like a giant tool again.

I mentioned how I get along better with his sister even on his best
days, but now his behavior with her is starting to eclipse any real
hope.

My cousin Haley is 8.5 years old (when you're 8 that half counts a
whole darn lot) and is basically me 11 years ago.
Well, Xavier is right around the age where boys are really little
human garbage cans, they eat anything(as long as there's no
nutritional value), they collect everyones waste/seem like a waste,
and if your not on top of them about it they start to smell like crap.
Besides being a normal teenager X has a bunch of angsty crap on top of
it; he clearly shows symptoms of ADHD, his dad has pretty much just
started being a minimal part of his life after a stint in the pokey
and years of not being around before then, and besides that X's mom
works a whole bunch of weird hours. She works at a huge chain store
that has a history of human rights violations and also is starting to
own the world( and used to have a smiley faced mascott named Sam) and
usually works from 10-6,12-8 which really doesn't leave much time for
two young kids.
Both Xavier and Haley really seem negativly influenced by that, and
more over by the fact that the time their mom is home is usually all
"mommy time" and they're pretty much roaming the house (and the
neighborhood) for stuff to do.
Anyway, Xavier seems to translate any feelings he has about that, or
really anything, into agression with Haley.
Last night in the car with me after a target run for school stuff she
almost randomly came out and said, "I just get put down so much."
I almost died.
Not only did she say that in such a put together way, but it's
upsetting she HAS to say that in the first place.
After X teased and tortured her right after we got home she said, "It
just seems like the only people here who don't pick on me or tease me
are you, your mom, and grandma."
It makes me sad and scared me.
She doesn't deserve this at all.

Sometimes I want more than anything to wish she could have clung to
someone else instead of me.
It's painful how similar she is to me at that age. She's turning 9 in
November and going into third grade.
That's when I first started purging to make myself "feel better".
And what's worse is that if she does start something like that, or
restricting no one will be able tell unless they're looking for it
because her body is so so advanced for her age.
She's already 5'1 and weighs somewhere around 123lbs which is in the
normal range. The thing that makes her sometimes look bigger is the
fact that she's still got 8 year old tummy, only she's a foot taller
than some of her class mates so its proportionatly sized too.
And seriously, that little girl is freaking feirce, she's an inline
speed skater and practices for 2.5 hours 3 times a week, seriously
she'll kick some major ass if you try and mess with her.
Anyway, the point is Xavier needs to get his act together (so do his
parents) and leave his sister in peace; and we've all got to watch out
for Haley, the last thing I want for her is to add body image/ eating
disorders to the list of shitty stuff nature/nurture have 'blessed'
her with.






Here's Me Xavier and Tara before Haley was born, and then Me Haley and Xavier on Haley's second christmas ( a little more than 1 year old)




and Here's Haley and Xavier a last summer
Here I am a couple months after I started purging

PWND!

Ah gamer speak/gamers in general,,
I've got to admit to a love hate relationship with them.
My cousin Xavier pretty much lives on his xbox360 when he's not after
school for track or with his girl friend ( who woulda thunk it, a 13
year old boy who barely leaves his mancave somehow snags a good
one ;p ). Between watching him play and just listening when I'm in the
next room over I've heard words I never would have dreamed of hearing
from him, at least for a few years. The kid has gone through 3 mics in
like 6 months and honestly I have no idea how all but his thum muscles
haven't just melted.
I do have to say though, however much it might sometimes get
annoying, I've learned a lot about him through just being around him
while he's playing. It's opened entire lines of conversation and sort
of helped us reconnect.
We used to be über tight.
He's around 6-7 years younger than me and my sister is only 18 months
younger so because he's always lived with us he was the puerto rican
little brother I never had. Those first few years I was so involved in
raising him.
I remember one moment so intensely, he was just getting to the age
where he was learning his own name and responding to it. The thing
was, I'd always called him baby bear, and eventually his mom and my
grandmother had to pull me aside to tell me I had to stop for a while
till he could understant it was a term of endearment not his name.
A few years after that he started/I started seeing his additide/
behavior problems.
Now that I'm older and have been diagnosed with ADHD myself it's
obvious he was showing symptoms but back then it just seemed like he
was evil and after his sister was born we really grew apart; which
really would explain a lot of his jealousy issues with her because I
wasn't really the only one, my mother and sister were already calling hi
the spawn of satan by his 3rd birthday.
Now with my casual interest in gaming and what with it being his big
hobby we've reconnected in a big way.
I know now that instead of going to the local high school next year
he's applying to the county technical high school. He's not into
English class, but he likes to write creative stories. His grades
frankly suck but he's starting to realize he's going to have to step
in up as he gets older. And he's also very seriously interested in
using his love of video games, computers, and technology to go into
that feild after school.
From the outside looking in he really seems like a slacker who needs
to step up to the plate and start getting his act together, but now
that I've sort of breached that bubble I've learned he's really got it
together; in his own messy, smelly, 13 year old boy kind of way.
And even though I'm still closer to his sister, and occasionally get
driven insane by his hyper-activity I see now he's a pretty nice worth
while kid, and he's growing into a pretty nice guy.

And to think, the same video games that are "ruining America" and
"making our children fat" (even though I've realized a lot of serious
gamers are underweight from being to into the game) slavaged a
relationship most people would have given up on.

Yay! First Mobile Blog

Hi y'all, I'm just checking to see if this thing works. Thanks for
putting up with my lack of sence
Xoxo