Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Book Review-- Transformations Ann Sexton
The Not-So-Grimm Truth; Ann Sexton’s Transformations
Sexton, Anne. Transformations. New York: Mariner Books, 2001. Print.
“No matter what life you lead/ the virgin is a lovely number”, so says the first lines of Ann Sexton’s “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. Blunt, controversial, and also completely true, just the makings of classic Sexton. Of course here she had a little help. Transformations, is a retelling of the iconic Grimm’s Fairy Tales by the Brothers Grimm. Plath reinvents 17 classics stories and prefaces them with stark truths; perhaps her own modern equivalents.
The illustrations by Barbara Swan look more like sketches with their rough edges that often fade out into nothing. The first of which accompanies “The Golden Key”, an introduction to the collection. Plath uses the poem to set the stage, a 16-year-old young man finds a key that unlocks Grimm’s Fairy Tales and transforms them into the remaining poems. The picture, of the young man looking through the keyhole speaks volumes. The boy is wide-eyed and seems shocked by what he sees, just like the reader will be.
Never one to mince words, Sexton jumps into the deep end and tackles “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” first. It started out as one of the most famous ‘wicked step-mother’ and ‘handsome prince’ stories, and Sexton turned it into a compelling soap opera about growing old, ignorance, innocence, and eventually revenge.
“Cinderella” is perhaps the most well known of Sextons Transformations. Found in numerous textbooks and compilations worldwide it’s an excellent example of just what Sexton in doing with Transformations. Updating it from the beginning, the poem begins
You always read about it;
the plumber with twelve children
who wins the Irish Sweepstakes.
From toilets to riches.
That story
Just with that first stanza it’s not only updated, but it’s incredibly relatable. It’s the story of the under-dog, who against all odds (and realistic hopes) succeeds. Americans eat that up, and then, making it even more lovable to the U S of A the wicked step-sisters get their eyes pecked out by crows; revenge at it’s finest.
Perhaps my favorite poem in the collection, “The Twelve Dancing Princesses” is a classic tale of teenage rebellion. Sexton plays this for all it’s worth too. Twelve overly sheltered princesses steal away at night through secret tunnels and spend all night dancing. Their father knows this and every night has a prince try to catch them but the princesses “gave the snoopy man a Mickey Finn (77)”. There's nothing like date-rape-drugs to update a fairy tale. Of course the princesses are eventually found out and “…The princesses /were torn from their night life like a baby from its pacifier. (145-146)”. Doesn’t it always end like that?
With biting sarcasm and her characteristic wit, Sexton rises above any expectations and puts a new spin on the Brothers Grimm’s iconic fairy tales. Instead of bland ‘happily ever after’ endings like the Disney company, Sexton uses her cynicism and makes it work. Transformations earns a place on any poet’s bookshelf as one of the classics.
Sexton, Anne. Transformations. New York: Mariner Books, 2001. Print.
“No matter what life you lead/ the virgin is a lovely number”, so says the first lines of Ann Sexton’s “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. Blunt, controversial, and also completely true, just the makings of classic Sexton. Of course here she had a little help. Transformations, is a retelling of the iconic Grimm’s Fairy Tales by the Brothers Grimm. Plath reinvents 17 classics stories and prefaces them with stark truths; perhaps her own modern equivalents.
The illustrations by Barbara Swan look more like sketches with their rough edges that often fade out into nothing. The first of which accompanies “The Golden Key”, an introduction to the collection. Plath uses the poem to set the stage, a 16-year-old young man finds a key that unlocks Grimm’s Fairy Tales and transforms them into the remaining poems. The picture, of the young man looking through the keyhole speaks volumes. The boy is wide-eyed and seems shocked by what he sees, just like the reader will be.
Never one to mince words, Sexton jumps into the deep end and tackles “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” first. It started out as one of the most famous ‘wicked step-mother’ and ‘handsome prince’ stories, and Sexton turned it into a compelling soap opera about growing old, ignorance, innocence, and eventually revenge.
“Cinderella” is perhaps the most well known of Sextons Transformations. Found in numerous textbooks and compilations worldwide it’s an excellent example of just what Sexton in doing with Transformations. Updating it from the beginning, the poem begins
You always read about it;
the plumber with twelve children
who wins the Irish Sweepstakes.
From toilets to riches.
That story
Just with that first stanza it’s not only updated, but it’s incredibly relatable. It’s the story of the under-dog, who against all odds (and realistic hopes) succeeds. Americans eat that up, and then, making it even more lovable to the U S of A the wicked step-sisters get their eyes pecked out by crows; revenge at it’s finest.
Perhaps my favorite poem in the collection, “The Twelve Dancing Princesses” is a classic tale of teenage rebellion. Sexton plays this for all it’s worth too. Twelve overly sheltered princesses steal away at night through secret tunnels and spend all night dancing. Their father knows this and every night has a prince try to catch them but the princesses “gave the snoopy man a Mickey Finn (77)”. There's nothing like date-rape-drugs to update a fairy tale. Of course the princesses are eventually found out and “…The princesses /were torn from their night life like a baby from its pacifier. (145-146)”. Doesn’t it always end like that?
With biting sarcasm and her characteristic wit, Sexton rises above any expectations and puts a new spin on the Brothers Grimm’s iconic fairy tales. Instead of bland ‘happily ever after’ endings like the Disney company, Sexton uses her cynicism and makes it work. Transformations earns a place on any poet’s bookshelf as one of the classics.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
What was for first job?
I worked at Williams & Sonoma for around a month and a half panicking the entire time before quitting on black friday.
What languages do you speak other than enlish? What langauges would like to learn?
I speak some german and some french.
Would you rather live in the freezing cold or super insanely hot?
COLD!!! You can always put more clothes on but there's only so much you can take off without getting arrested.
When did your Ed start? What caused it to start? Have you been in treatment for it?
My eating disorder really 'started' with a bang when I was 8. I was out of elementary school for around a month with chicken pox, the flu, and strep throat. I woke my mom up one night crying because I felt so sick to my stomach and couldn't get back to sleep, then she told me how to tickle the back of my throat to throw up, and then my stomach wouldn't hurt so much. I lost 10 lbs that month from dehydration and just not eating and I really liked that and the way I felt after throwing up. I've been in treatment for my depression/bipolar for 5 years and was in the renfrew center in 2007. There have been a whole list of day programs and psych programs for suicide attempts as well.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
...
Things are looking rough right now. I love all of you who bother reading this, and I'm sure something will change my mind, but for now I'm not sure whining about my problems online is helping.
This is the first time in years that I can actually say that I have had to restrain myself mentally from becoming suicidal.
I understand the consequences of suicide, and certainly won't be making any rash decisions that could hurt my loved ones.
I've got a therapist, psychiatrist, and a pretty decent group of friends who know what's going on.
Hopefully the next few weeks will go by pretty fast and I'll be in Castlewood before I know it.
I love you,
Cassidy
This is the first time in years that I can actually say that I have had to restrain myself mentally from becoming suicidal.
I understand the consequences of suicide, and certainly won't be making any rash decisions that could hurt my loved ones.
I've got a therapist, psychiatrist, and a pretty decent group of friends who know what's going on.
Hopefully the next few weeks will go by pretty fast and I'll be in Castlewood before I know it.
I love you,
Cassidy
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Duuuude
So my lovers,
I changed up the blog URL, for like the 3rd time.
I figure, few or no actual people read this, and those who do are shifty little fuckers who can't bother to sign in or comment, so fuck 'em.
The whole point is that I jumped on the twitter train a couple days ago and since then I decided to sync all of my accounts.
So now my fanfiction.net, twitter, and in a few minutes my formspring are all going to be under cass-tasstic or some form of that.
Bo big deal right, I'm just getting a little bored with crazy hectic real world living, and escaping to the my sarcastic brethren online seems like the thing to do.
Keep on keeping on,
XOXO
I changed up the blog URL, for like the 3rd time.
I figure, few or no actual people read this, and those who do are shifty little fuckers who can't bother to sign in or comment, so fuck 'em.
The whole point is that I jumped on the twitter train a couple days ago and since then I decided to sync all of my accounts.
So now my fanfiction.net, twitter, and in a few minutes my formspring are all going to be under cass-tasstic or some form of that.
Bo big deal right, I'm just getting a little bored with crazy hectic real world living, and escaping to the my sarcastic brethren online seems like the thing to do.
Keep on keeping on,
XOXO
Monday, April 12, 2010
Radically Accepted
Things are the way they are right now because of a million little decisions. I can't change those decisions, but I can make new ones and deal positively with the reality of my situation.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Reality Bites
So... a few days without getting bloggy.
Probs one of my shortest breaks with it since I started my first blog back in the days of Xanga.
Reality is sort of starting to sink into my admittedly depressing, but not quite so exciting/anxious mind bubble.
I ended up getting my paper done around 14 minutes before class started and luckily my BFF was with me and peer-edited it.
I usually skip all of the prep work for papers and dive into hard copies, but my comp teacher requires pre-writing, then peer edits, and then reflections with our hard copies.
I'm sure this is a good tool and will eventually help, but right now it's just kind of a bother.
I'm a good writer, I've gotten 1 B+ in that class, and the rest have been As so I'm not going to feel bad about slacking off with my prep work a little.
For now though, I just want to skip along and wake up in June.
I got my admission packet from Castlewood. It had your average 'what to bring' list, but also enlightened my to the fact that their lab draws blood every week and that'll be 45$ a stick. FML. I'm not used to this shit!
My mom works in a hospital so I usually get all of my tests and stuff done for free there, and then whenever I've been in this sort of situation I've been sort of sheltered from this side of things and my mom covered everything.
I'm sure if things get too tight she'll help me out, but she's so against this right now I really want to avoid having to ask her for anything.
Ugh, and I also found out I'll need to get a physical.
No big deal right?
Oh wait, I guess it is when your last one was in August and your insurance company only covers 1 every 2 years now that you're out of high school.
2 Words
BULL SHIT, it doesn't matter that I have to have this done to go to treatment that is covered by them or anything, nope.
But whatever, my dad said he would pay out of pocket for me, and that's pretty fucking awesome and if he didn't offer I'd be up shit's creek without a paddle.
Oh well, I'm going to the eye doctor on tuesday for new glasses, and before I can go to CW I've got to get my physical, a bunch of labs, a new TB test , an EKG, and a bone density test. FUNFUNFUN
Probs one of my shortest breaks with it since I started my first blog back in the days of Xanga.
Reality is sort of starting to sink into my admittedly depressing, but not quite so exciting/anxious mind bubble.
I ended up getting my paper done around 14 minutes before class started and luckily my BFF was with me and peer-edited it.
I usually skip all of the prep work for papers and dive into hard copies, but my comp teacher requires pre-writing, then peer edits, and then reflections with our hard copies.
I'm sure this is a good tool and will eventually help, but right now it's just kind of a bother.
I'm a good writer, I've gotten 1 B+ in that class, and the rest have been As so I'm not going to feel bad about slacking off with my prep work a little.
For now though, I just want to skip along and wake up in June.
I got my admission packet from Castlewood. It had your average 'what to bring' list, but also enlightened my to the fact that their lab draws blood every week and that'll be 45$ a stick. FML. I'm not used to this shit!
My mom works in a hospital so I usually get all of my tests and stuff done for free there, and then whenever I've been in this sort of situation I've been sort of sheltered from this side of things and my mom covered everything.
I'm sure if things get too tight she'll help me out, but she's so against this right now I really want to avoid having to ask her for anything.
Ugh, and I also found out I'll need to get a physical.
No big deal right?
Oh wait, I guess it is when your last one was in August and your insurance company only covers 1 every 2 years now that you're out of high school.
2 Words
BULL SHIT, it doesn't matter that I have to have this done to go to treatment that is covered by them or anything, nope.
But whatever, my dad said he would pay out of pocket for me, and that's pretty fucking awesome and if he didn't offer I'd be up shit's creek without a paddle.
Oh well, I'm going to the eye doctor on tuesday for new glasses, and before I can go to CW I've got to get my physical, a bunch of labs, a new TB test , an EKG, and a bone density test. FUNFUNFUN
Thursday, April 8, 2010
You are amazing and an amazing friend!!! Thanks!!!
Aww thank you.
I'm not sure who this is, but I love you.
Procrastination Station
Hola Bitches!
The week is coming to an end and with 1 class canceled, 1 I totally get and usually sleep through, and 1 class spent in the Library, tomorrow is basically done and over with.
Today however, I've got to sit my fat ass down and write a paper.
It won't be particularly difficult once I get down to it, but I don't really want to write it at all.
The topic is pretty close to home and there's no one but myself to blame for it. I'm writing about issues of identity and inequality regarding eating disorders and am focusing on the split in society (be thin but not too thin, eat burgers and fries but don't get fat). Depending on how things work out I may or may not split that focus with a bit on how an individual's diagnosis effects how other people thing of them, and how they judge themselves.
Everyone knows that all eating disorders are bad, and all are deadly, but there is a sort of 'one-up-manship' when you're dealing with eating disorders, and in the back of your head you can't help comparing yourself to someone who is 'sicker' than you.
Seriously, I feel like this year and my treatment situation is taking on a theme.
Last semester all but one of my speeches in effective speaking had to deal with eating disorders and I did my final nutrition project on them, and now this paper.
Legit, this has taken over my life, and I'd like to just put it out there that I'm sick of this shit.
I hope everyone is enjoying the weather (over here in PA it's like a million degrees).
The week is coming to an end and with 1 class canceled, 1 I totally get and usually sleep through, and 1 class spent in the Library, tomorrow is basically done and over with.
Today however, I've got to sit my fat ass down and write a paper.
It won't be particularly difficult once I get down to it, but I don't really want to write it at all.
The topic is pretty close to home and there's no one but myself to blame for it. I'm writing about issues of identity and inequality regarding eating disorders and am focusing on the split in society (be thin but not too thin, eat burgers and fries but don't get fat). Depending on how things work out I may or may not split that focus with a bit on how an individual's diagnosis effects how other people thing of them, and how they judge themselves.
Everyone knows that all eating disorders are bad, and all are deadly, but there is a sort of 'one-up-manship' when you're dealing with eating disorders, and in the back of your head you can't help comparing yourself to someone who is 'sicker' than you.
Seriously, I feel like this year and my treatment situation is taking on a theme.
Last semester all but one of my speeches in effective speaking had to deal with eating disorders and I did my final nutrition project on them, and now this paper.
Legit, this has taken over my life, and I'd like to just put it out there that I'm sick of this shit.
I hope everyone is enjoying the weather (over here in PA it's like a million degrees).
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Blissful Ignorance
Money has never been a free flowing thing for me and treatment is a notoriously expensive thing.
For a while it seemed like it was covered. My father really stepped up and actually offered to pay my insurance deductable before I'd even admitted treatment was an option.
Recently though, my dad has been going through a sticky situation, it's entirely his fault, and was entirely preventable, but it's here now so it's impossible to ignore.
He was attempting to sell his house and some previous issues caught up with him and now he can't.
Honestly that alone made me think treatment was off the agenda.
The wacky thing is that it's not.
Even though things are tough for him, he's trying to meet his commitment.
I really, not quite hate, but pity my dad, and the fact that he's doing this means a lot to me.
He's been a jerk in the past, and was downright abusive when I was younger, but I think I might be ready to move on.
I used to be incredibly fearful around him, but things have gotten a lot better.
I spent a year living with him after making some stupid choices and getting temporarily kicked out of my mom's house.
All of this is really helping/making me mature a lot.
Forgive and forget and all that stuff, I doubt I'll ever be able to do either fully, but I am moving on.
For a while it seemed like it was covered. My father really stepped up and actually offered to pay my insurance deductable before I'd even admitted treatment was an option.
Recently though, my dad has been going through a sticky situation, it's entirely his fault, and was entirely preventable, but it's here now so it's impossible to ignore.
He was attempting to sell his house and some previous issues caught up with him and now he can't.
Honestly that alone made me think treatment was off the agenda.
The wacky thing is that it's not.
Even though things are tough for him, he's trying to meet his commitment.
I really, not quite hate, but pity my dad, and the fact that he's doing this means a lot to me.
He's been a jerk in the past, and was downright abusive when I was younger, but I think I might be ready to move on.
I used to be incredibly fearful around him, but things have gotten a lot better.
I spent a year living with him after making some stupid choices and getting temporarily kicked out of my mom's house.
All of this is really helping/making me mature a lot.
Forgive and forget and all that stuff, I doubt I'll ever be able to do either fully, but I am moving on.
Monday, April 5, 2010
@#$Sigh@#$
I'm wondering if I'll ever get my shit together.
This whole waiting game is taking a toll and I'm feeling the pressure.
Some behaviors are easier to control than others, but it's still really really hard to deal with my life right now.
The Metadate helps me forget, but then this overwhelming wave of emotions crashes over me and I feel like a rag doll.
It's only a matter of time before things either brighten or get even darker and I just need to keep it together somehow until there's an opening for treatment.
I love everyone who's supporting me through this and when times get tough I'm fighting for you.
Cass
This whole waiting game is taking a toll and I'm feeling the pressure.
Some behaviors are easier to control than others, but it's still really really hard to deal with my life right now.
The Metadate helps me forget, but then this overwhelming wave of emotions crashes over me and I feel like a rag doll.
It's only a matter of time before things either brighten or get even darker and I just need to keep it together somehow until there's an opening for treatment.
I love everyone who's supporting me through this and when times get tough I'm fighting for you.
Cass
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Bad Cass...
This is Day number 1 of Cass totally forgetting her pills (which apparently makes her speak of herself in the third person). Seriously, at like 2 I was just like, "OME, I totes forgot to take my pills today. Hmm, I could go take them now, or I could keep playing with the baby".
Guess which won.
It was sort of hard to even tell myself I still need to take them today, without the pill which actually tells me like, right away, that it's working, it's just really easy to say it's no big deal.
Buuuuut...
I will be throwing down some drugs tonight. I used to take them before bed, so I'll just do that tonight.
Anyway, this has been a really 'good' tool, now I know that it isn't just the fabulous weather making me feel like hot shit.
So that's a positive.
I didn't really do much of anything this weekend. I cleaned and rearranged my room...and then failed to finnish with it so now my floor is covered in laundry again.
I do however have jeans to wear tomorrow, so that's a plus.
I guess this is fairwell for Easter Loves, I've eaten nothing but chocolate and left over Chinese today, so my tummy is a-rummbly.
Guess which won.
It was sort of hard to even tell myself I still need to take them today, without the pill which actually tells me like, right away, that it's working, it's just really easy to say it's no big deal.
Buuuuut...
I will be throwing down some drugs tonight. I used to take them before bed, so I'll just do that tonight.
Anyway, this has been a really 'good' tool, now I know that it isn't just the fabulous weather making me feel like hot shit.
So that's a positive.
I didn't really do much of anything this weekend. I cleaned and rearranged my room...and then failed to finnish with it so now my floor is covered in laundry again.
I do however have jeans to wear tomorrow, so that's a plus.
I guess this is fairwell for Easter Loves, I've eaten nothing but chocolate and left over Chinese today, so my tummy is a-rummbly.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Treatment/Life Goals
Hi Darlings,
After yesterdays tangent, and a rough evening involving me skipping a party in favor of bed time, I'm thinking I should start really thinking about the things I want to get out of treatment.
So here's my quickie list, and while I'm trying to think hard about this, treatment itself is looking really far away, so goals are difficult to think of.
1) Lose weight.
Ok, so this one wasn't too hard to think of because it's sort of a goal me with both my bulimia and treatment. I guess I should redefine this more as a 'lose weight by living and eating well' kind of thing.
I think this might actually be one of the roughest things for me to deal with. I don't handle change well, and to be losing weight, slowly (painfully slowly) is going to make me want to tear my hair out, a bald spot is the last thing I need right now.
2) Learn to be assertive without resorting to tried and true passive-agressive tendencies.
Pretty self explanatory.
3) Realize the world is not actually all about me.
(Even though it is)
4) Learn how to feel comfortable in my own rather large body.
5) Act my age.
I'm sure I could settle for a few years younger too, I'm 20 and last year I was still getting confused as a freshman in high school, I suppose all of my extra adipose has sort of an 'inca mummy' preservation effect.
6) Make a habit of doing things like chores.
This one sounds dumb, but with three dogs and a sick mom at home some one's got to pick up the slack, and it really shouldn't be such a huge deal for me to do it. However, whenever anyone asks me to do anything, even if I was planning on doing it anyway, I get irrationally angry.
7)Obviously stop cutting/purging/bingeing/restricting/disassociating
8) Survive it in general
After yesterdays tangent, and a rough evening involving me skipping a party in favor of bed time, I'm thinking I should start really thinking about the things I want to get out of treatment.
So here's my quickie list, and while I'm trying to think hard about this, treatment itself is looking really far away, so goals are difficult to think of.
1) Lose weight.
Ok, so this one wasn't too hard to think of because it's sort of a goal me with both my bulimia and treatment. I guess I should redefine this more as a 'lose weight by living and eating well' kind of thing.
I think this might actually be one of the roughest things for me to deal with. I don't handle change well, and to be losing weight, slowly (painfully slowly) is going to make me want to tear my hair out, a bald spot is the last thing I need right now.
2) Learn to be assertive without resorting to tried and true passive-agressive tendencies.
Pretty self explanatory.
3) Realize the world is not actually all about me.
(Even though it is)
4) Learn how to feel comfortable in my own rather large body.
5) Act my age.
I'm sure I could settle for a few years younger too, I'm 20 and last year I was still getting confused as a freshman in high school, I suppose all of my extra adipose has sort of an 'inca mummy' preservation effect.
6) Make a habit of doing things like chores.
This one sounds dumb, but with three dogs and a sick mom at home some one's got to pick up the slack, and it really shouldn't be such a huge deal for me to do it. However, whenever anyone asks me to do anything, even if I was planning on doing it anyway, I get irrationally angry.
7)Obviously stop cutting/purging/bingeing/restricting/disassociating
8) Survive it in general
Do you like you name? If no, would you change it and to what would you change it to?
I hate my name. I would change my name to something like Jane, for it's simplicity, Alice, for it's whimsy, or Lilly, after my great-grandmother
Friday, April 2, 2010
Ritalin Kids
Hola Chicas!
This is my first day taking Metadate, which is apparently some form of long-lasting Ritalin.
So far I feel pretty awesome, I'm feeling the same 'human' effect as I had with Concerta, but so far I haven't had the horrible nausea.
I did get a mild stomach ache, but it was more like an uncomfortable feeling instead of a 'look for the nearest trash can cause you're about to barf' kind of feeling.
I can live with the not barfing feeling.
I took my first dose around 6:40 am, and it's now 8:25, so if the 'Concerta' effect (stomach ache) is going to happen it'll be soon.
Apparently I should be feeling the effects of the medication fully by now, and I can say I do feel a lot better than I did with the Daytrana, but I think it may need to be raised a little bit.
It's funny, because one would think that because of my weight I would need larger doses of my medications to keep up with 'all my extra heft' but I'm actually really sensitive to medications.
For a long time I was on a pretty low dose of Prozac because the stimulants used to treat my ADHD ran the chance of boosting the effects of it. I just in the last two or so months doubled that dose and now I'm taking what appears to be a pretty normal dosage.
With my Lamictal I'm on a pretty normal dose, it's never been raised much past what the starter pack boosted me up to and seems to really help keep me even keeled.
That's not to say I don't get hypomanic, but I haven't had a true manic episode since I've been on this dose of Lamictal (or at least when I've actually been compliant with my medications).
Even small med changes seem to have big effects on me that really don't appear to be anything like 'self fulfilling prophecy' type deals. In fact, I didn't even notice the changes in my moods corelating to med changes until after my first suicide attempt in 10th grade.
All of my major hospitalizations, even my first day treatment program a few months before 'the big bang' in 10th grade, all seemed to happen shortly after a medication change.
I've been on a pretty hefty laundry list of medications so it's been a rough ride.
Luckily things mood wise, although pretty low, don't seem to be fluctuating too much.
Bonus List of Drugs I've been on
Zoloft, Wellbutrin XR, Prozac, Abilify, Seraquil (PRN), Restoril, Trazodone, Klonopin, Ativan, Lexapro, Concerta, Daytrana, Metadate
This is my first day taking Metadate, which is apparently some form of long-lasting Ritalin.
So far I feel pretty awesome, I'm feeling the same 'human' effect as I had with Concerta, but so far I haven't had the horrible nausea.
I did get a mild stomach ache, but it was more like an uncomfortable feeling instead of a 'look for the nearest trash can cause you're about to barf' kind of feeling.
I can live with the not barfing feeling.
I took my first dose around 6:40 am, and it's now 8:25, so if the 'Concerta' effect (stomach ache) is going to happen it'll be soon.
Apparently I should be feeling the effects of the medication fully by now, and I can say I do feel a lot better than I did with the Daytrana, but I think it may need to be raised a little bit.
It's funny, because one would think that because of my weight I would need larger doses of my medications to keep up with 'all my extra heft' but I'm actually really sensitive to medications.
For a long time I was on a pretty low dose of Prozac because the stimulants used to treat my ADHD ran the chance of boosting the effects of it. I just in the last two or so months doubled that dose and now I'm taking what appears to be a pretty normal dosage.
With my Lamictal I'm on a pretty normal dose, it's never been raised much past what the starter pack boosted me up to and seems to really help keep me even keeled.
That's not to say I don't get hypomanic, but I haven't had a true manic episode since I've been on this dose of Lamictal (or at least when I've actually been compliant with my medications).
Even small med changes seem to have big effects on me that really don't appear to be anything like 'self fulfilling prophecy' type deals. In fact, I didn't even notice the changes in my moods corelating to med changes until after my first suicide attempt in 10th grade.
All of my major hospitalizations, even my first day treatment program a few months before 'the big bang' in 10th grade, all seemed to happen shortly after a medication change.
I've been on a pretty hefty laundry list of medications so it's been a rough ride.
Luckily things mood wise, although pretty low, don't seem to be fluctuating too much.
Bonus List of Drugs I've been on
Zoloft, Wellbutrin XR, Prozac, Abilify, Seraquil (PRN), Restoril, Trazodone, Klonopin, Ativan, Lexapro, Concerta, Daytrana, Metadate
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