Untitled

Untitled by Cassidy Colleen featuring a cap hat

Boing Boing...Straight to Conclusions I go

I swear, loyal and pretend readers, I am just the darn tooting queen of conclusion making.
A couple of bad ass days and I think my entire life has gone to hell.
Of course the opposite has also been known to happen, ie; my first month of CastleWood in which I had convinced myself that my home life with my mother was stable and although there might be some minor tiffs, everything was normal.

Basically, this is a post to re-neg on the previous.

Maybe re-neg wouldn't be the right term, because most of what I mentioned was true.
I was losing track of symptom usage and I was getting into a pattern of forgetting to take my medication and only being reminded when I would have symptoms of not taking my Effexor.
It really opened my eyes.

A lot of things have been opening my eyes recently.

I'm just now, in the third or so week of school, realizing that I'm a sophomore in college.
The time for games has come and gone, no matter what it may seem like.
Like today for instance, a rough draft of a paper is due at 10am, and I forgot to bring in the book I needed to get it done this morning. Not only did I wait until the morning it was due to do it, but I forgot to bring the book.
I'm just going to have to accept the consequences, which can also be looked at as immature because there were probably ways I could have gotten a lot done even with out the book itself and I just chose not to.

In reality, just seeing that you are doing something wrong and saying you'll do better next time isn't quite good enough most of the time.
And what is bothering me more is a nagging urge to continue the pattern of 'slacking' today and skip out on my Abnormal Psych class.
We've been going over a lot of rather bland stuff regarding things I've basically learned in every single psych class I've ever taken since high school. In high school it was interesting, even in the first class in college, now though, it's gotten tedious.

I wanted to take abnormal psych because I've basically lived abnormal psych.
Honestly, there's hardly a diagnosis I haven't seemed to fit at one point besides like, kinky sexual shit.
Even Aspergers, some of my really great acquaintances (and I only use that term and not friend because we hardly see each other and a pretty much bus stop book friends) has aspergers and whenever people get rude about differences in her affect or mannerisms I get pretty pissed. Seriously, I think she's one of the most wonderfully natured people in the world and she's so passionate about so many things. Just because of a difference that doesn't really stick out unless you're looking for it in the real world, some people get fidgety.
Ugh rant time over.

Trust me darlings, that rant was a doozy, I did myself and y'all a favor my making it tiny and not so obtrusive.

I just wanted to get it out there that my life is in face not all encompassing black pit of doom.

I'm not exactly s****ing rainbows either, but I'm usually comfortable in the balance.

I'm putting on my big girl panties (which is a lovely word by the way) and standing up for myself. I'm not some dainty flower; no matter how lovely that would be, and I'm not some indestructible tonka truck either.

I deserve respect and I'm damn well going to get it where I can find it.

I also have to respect the rights and needs of others.

In the words of my mom (in regaurds to how I can fix my relationship with my sister, even though I don't quite agree totally with this advice because I believe this is a two way street, even if this will be a start) "start treating her (them) like a human being."

And damn it if that wasn't some of the best advice I've ever gotten in my life.

I commented earlier on a bff's facebook status that a good friend of her's was on to something with the saying TFGIF (Thank F***ing God It's Friday) and ya know, I think my mom might be on to something too with this idea about treating other people like human beings.

Maybe even treating myself like a human being?

What a different and radical move.

Some not so minor regression...

So these past few weeks have been rough.
There's no getting around it.
I've been slipping pretty steadily and it a good amount of denial.
I haven't really been working a lot on communication issues within the fam. and then with school and a whole bunch of stuff like a possible move coming up in the next few months have really left me pretty run down.
On top of that, I haven't been as on top of my meds as I should be. I forgot them yesterday and the day before and couldn't even hardly get out of bed.
Luckily I realized it late last night but I could have gotten really sick.

Between losing track of my eating disordered symptoms and my behavioral symptoms a general non-challant attitude about school is getting in the way of success.

I've had one therapy appointment and after this week, because of the short week we couldn't get in an appointment, we'll see each other every week, and then I've got an appointment with Dr. Bauer on the 14th.

I'm just feeling like I'm running around in circles and doing the same thing over and over again.

Oh well, things are bound to get better as long as I'm trying.

Getting back on track

After skipping school when my bus never came, I'm back in today and although I messed up royally with my A.M. meal, I'm making healthy plans for this afternoon.

I'm starting to get involved with school more and more and although it's tough I'm really putting myself out there and trying to move on after Castlewood.

I just had my first therapy session yesterday and without a ride I had to do it over Skype which sort of sucked, but in the future that shouldn't happen hopefully, and I'm seeing Dr. B on the 14th.

Things have been rough, there is a lot going on right now (including me rushing this post so I can find a book in the library and get to class), but I've pulled through much harder and I can do this too.

More updates later ladies.
XoXo