Mayjuh!

So, seeing as there is now less than a month until the release of NEW MOON, I would like to make a confession.
I am currently involved in a secret love affair with Major Jasper Whitlock. I know, I know, this statement will break the hearts and souls of millions of twihards, but I feel it is time to break the silence.

So Suck-it Team Edward, I called this one.

New Blog & Old Drama

Hola Chicas!
After tossing the idea around in my head for a while, I've decided to create another blog.


I know, I know, I'm pretty crappy enough as it is updating this one, but I'm seeing that this blog has turned into more of a 'enter at your own risk' diary kind of thing; which isn't bad per say, just not what I had in mind.

I've titled the blog Rebuild & Recover because that is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to rebuild myself as a person free from ANY eating disorder, and a person able to truly enjoy life.

So far I've posted one of my favorite poems by Maya Angelou called "phenomenal woman". The first time I heard the poem, in last semester's poetry class, I thought it was kind of hokey, but hokey enough to stick with me.

Now that I've really decided to separate myself from my Bulimia I've been able to notice that it is really powerful, and I want to be that phenomenal woman. I want my charisma to be what people notice about me, not my shifty eyes and tense posture.

Anyway...theres the new blog.

In other news, I've pretty much given up on continuing my relationship with a majority of my family. My aunt is in a relationship with my cousins father for the first time in a long while, and that makes me incredibly weary and uncomfortable. It's not my story to tell, but the gist is some s*&t went down, and it was basically decided he was not a cool dude.
Well, yesterday he was over at my house (it's sort of split in two with a doorway in-between so you can get through from one side to the other), which to be fair, belongs to my grandmother and my aunt lives here too, and he was over on my side of the house helping my grandmother fiddle with her computer.
I'd been working in the dinning room then with the dogs out with me and when my grandmother brought him over I shot out like a bat out of hell and tossed the dogs outside and went into my room.
Like 5 minutes later I hear my mom get home, and the first words out of her mouth were something like, "Oh F&^$ no." Then she came back and pretty pushily told my grandmother (in her own not yet rude, but pretty aggressive way) that she really didn't want him over here.

We both realize we can't stop him from being here, as long as he stays in 'their space'.

It ended up pretty rough, and everyone (except the baby-daddy funnily enough) was yelling, and I was crying (It made me uncomfortable enough that he was so close but when his being there, and my grandmother's taking his side of things pulls my family even more apart, I was pissed, and more than a little scared) and I've pretty much given up on these relationships.

My Uncle & Aunt's baby shower was today, and because things were so tense between my grandmother and us (me and mom), we didn't end up going. They were over yesterday and we did get to talk to them and told my Aunt that it was nothing to do with them and we just didn't want things to be tense at her shower and she understood.

It just pisses me off that in a situation like this my grandmother would take the side of an 'outsider' rather than my mom and me. We've both expressed our discomfort at having him around, and I've already told my grandmother that I would really appreciate it if they could arrange it so he would never be there without my aunt (not the baby shower one) around, or at least not when I was home alone.

It seemed irrational, and I admit that it is, but I would actually fear for my safety when he was at my house when I was by myself.

This was a person that I trusted when I was little, and his actions against my aunt and cousins are unforgivable in my mind.

Too much of my life has been spent being weary of people who have hurt me or my loved ones, and I really don't have the time of day to waste of worrying about him.

I'm still going to worry about my cousin Haley, she very obviously has some psychological issues that are being ignored, but I don't know how to help her unless she comes over to my side and tries to chat.

I love that little girl like she was my own child, and I've seen her go through too much for a person twice her age, but for right now I'm just going to have to pray for her and pray that she will get the help she needs before she goes through the same troubles I did.

New DSM V

Ok, pretty much any one who cares much about psychology has seen or at least heard of the new revisions for the DSM V that came out a couple weeks ago. Here
I think I'm going to come out and say right now that I'm not loving it.
I've only really been able to focus on the changes made to the eating disorders category, and while I'm so so happy they got rid of some of the excluding factors with anorexia and the 2x per week criteria for bulimia (as well as including BED as it's own disorder), I'm not loving one other change in particular.

Bulimia non-purging-type is being nixed.

This scares and aggravates me very much folks.
I guess it's easier to start out with
why it angers me: I know way too many people who are unable to physically make themselves throw-up.
And thank god for that!
BUT, these girls meet the other billion criteria to a T and compensate by fasting/excessive exercise, and are just as physically and psychologically ill as any one else.
With the proposed changes they will most likely be shoveled in to the EDNOS category, in other words purgatory.
Insurance companies usually are greedy conniving little shits, and won't even blink about denying someone with EDNOS coverage.
I can't ethically get behind a change like this that will most likely prompt insurance companies to drop folks.

Now, why it scares me:
I also have a selfish reason to dislike this change.
Right now I'm classified as BN-NP, and the idea of not being able to identify myself as bulimic (without actually feeling/being better) scares the shit out of me ladies.
I understand that my disorder should not define me, but as long as it continues to define me according to my insurance company I doubt that thought process will be going anywhere.

I'm not really positive if these revisions are the definite honest to god changes, but hopefully things will work themselves out one way or another.

Eve's Home!!!

My baby's back!
My Computer (Eve) just got home on Wednesday after getting her screen fixed.
Life is good!

Things have been going all right with me I guess.
I've been talking with Hedi (formerly known as MANBEARPIG2.0) and she's starting a DBT group up, so that should be awesome.

AND...
The Amazing Shannon Cutts is going to be at my school on Tuesday! I'm so incredibly excited for this!

Reading an article about Shannon at BCCC was what put the idea of recovery into my head.
After I read the article and started thinking about the possibility of recovery it was like the part of me that needed bulimia rebelled against the part who thought I might not and things went into overdrive for a while.

I had to do something really stupid before I got to the point where I couldn't even try to deny the fact that I needed help.

Shannon founded a program called MentorConnect and right now one of my goals is to get into a state of mind where I can join and help people.