Hola Chicas,
its winter break now (until Jan 20th) and the word of the week(s) is DRUMROLL..... apathy.
Even I can see that stuff could be a lot worse right now, but I'm feeling frustratingly pent up right now. Its nothing out of control. It just feels like the calm before the storm.
Calm is usually a good thing, but this sort of stagnant grey murky kind usually leads to badness.
What's worse is the fact that I'm sort of craving the excitement that goes along with both Ed and hypomania.
Intelectually I know that with both come maddening anxiety, phobias, health issues, and a generally shitty life, but in the begining things feel amazing.
I love the feeling of euphoria that comes with restricting. Then my behaviors usually lead to hypomanic episodes and for a little while I feel even better. Then I get anxious, then I'll start binging, then purging, cutting, snapping at everyone.
But in the begining, nothing could possible feel more serene and superior.
A very good friend of mine is getting sicker and sicker, but we both have these fucked up goals. I'm afraid she might die, but both of us swear we know what our bodies can do.
I'm losing 2 stone by the time I'm back at school, hopefully more.
I don't know what I'll do if I fail at this.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Hola Bitches... Welcome to Finals Week
I'm sure I could have posted this last week, seeing as I've only got 1 day of finals.
I've got a Introduction to Poetry final at 11 am and then the Nutrition final at 3.
Poetry shouldn't be too hard; it's basically 2 essay questions where we have to explicate one of the poems she provides while including 5-7 of the terms she wants, and then we have to reflect on a few of the speaches our class mates did.
I ended up skipping friday's class because Tara had just gotten home on thursday night, and along with Tara came the 11 pm Wawa run. It certainly was interesting.
Nutrition is going to be a bitch though.
I only made it to 1 class week and only made 1 the week before too. The first week I had an excuse but this last week I just couldn't bring myself to watch the woman make a fool out of herself. On monday she was out of her mind; the entire class was spent pretty much laughing at her!
Roxanne is convinced she was drunk, but I think it was more of a benzo kind of thing. Maybe pain killers, but certainly something. She's always been a little wacky in a bad way, but this was insane!
The final exam is on the last 3 chapters and I haven't read any of them yet. I'll find time to do that before I get to poetry and then after I finish that exam.
Ugh...
It's been a long week.
I feel like my last speech fell apart, even though it was about FBT, something I'm really interested in, and the Okie ate my glasses
so I'm stuck getting all squinty eyed during my finals and cramming {and cramping :/ } and I've got a cold. It could have been worse, and probablly would have if I hadn't gotten the h1n1 vaccine, it's really going around my school and I really can't afford, physically, mentally, or financially to get really sick.
On the up side of things, I scheduled an interview with Sesame Place for the first of February, which is a long ways away, but I guess isn't to crazy for being a seasonal place. If I'd looked harder I'm sure I could have found a winter job, but I'd be lying if I said I don't have it good right now.
Besides my family being insanely unstable ( I dare you to find just 1 section of the DSM that some one in my family doesn't have a diagnosis in) I'm living it up. I don't pay rent (or perhaps I do emotionally), I don't pay for food, I still get an allowance, I'm pretty fucking set.
Sometimes though,
I feel like it's killing me.
I can't drive, I never visit friends, I never really leave the house unless I'm going to a doctor or school,
and my family is sucking out my soul.
Alas though,
Tomorrow is always another day, and there's always life after community college!
I've got a Introduction to Poetry final at 11 am and then the Nutrition final at 3.
Poetry shouldn't be too hard; it's basically 2 essay questions where we have to explicate one of the poems she provides while including 5-7 of the terms she wants, and then we have to reflect on a few of the speaches our class mates did.
I ended up skipping friday's class because Tara had just gotten home on thursday night, and along with Tara came the 11 pm Wawa run. It certainly was interesting.
Nutrition is going to be a bitch though.
I only made it to 1 class week and only made 1 the week before too. The first week I had an excuse but this last week I just couldn't bring myself to watch the woman make a fool out of herself. On monday she was out of her mind; the entire class was spent pretty much laughing at her!
Roxanne is convinced she was drunk, but I think it was more of a benzo kind of thing. Maybe pain killers, but certainly something. She's always been a little wacky in a bad way, but this was insane!
The final exam is on the last 3 chapters and I haven't read any of them yet. I'll find time to do that before I get to poetry and then after I finish that exam.
Ugh...
It's been a long week.
I feel like my last speech fell apart, even though it was about FBT, something I'm really interested in, and the Okie ate my glasses
so I'm stuck getting all squinty eyed during my finals and cramming {and cramping :/ } and I've got a cold. It could have been worse, and probablly would have if I hadn't gotten the h1n1 vaccine, it's really going around my school and I really can't afford, physically, mentally, or financially to get really sick.
On the up side of things, I scheduled an interview with Sesame Place for the first of February, which is a long ways away, but I guess isn't to crazy for being a seasonal place. If I'd looked harder I'm sure I could have found a winter job, but I'd be lying if I said I don't have it good right now.
Besides my family being insanely unstable ( I dare you to find just 1 section of the DSM that some one in my family doesn't have a diagnosis in) I'm living it up. I don't pay rent (or perhaps I do emotionally), I don't pay for food, I still get an allowance, I'm pretty fucking set.
Sometimes though,
I feel like it's killing me.
I can't drive, I never visit friends, I never really leave the house unless I'm going to a doctor or school,
and my family is sucking out my soul.
Alas though,
Tomorrow is always another day, and there's always life after community college!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Ahh, Blogging
I've been pretty lax on the updating again.
It seems to be a habit.
I'll go a couple days updating consistantly, and then I fall off the face of the earth.
Hopefully this will be the last time I have to promise to change that.
In less apologetic news...
We've got 2 updates on ManBearPig2.0!!!
1. ManBearPig2.0 has recently been renamed (fanfareplease)
MANBEARPUPPY!
I was with my mom after a doctors visit and was telling her how I was starting to hate manbearpig less.
Then my mom, out of nowhere, says something like "so instead of manbearpig, she's more of a manbearpuppy".
Flipping Genius!
After a while I thought of it like this, nobody (except Michael Vick) wants to punch a puppy in the face.
Granted, I'm not about to hug her or anything, or even think she's an ok therapist, but I wouldn't punch her in the face either.
2. ManbearPUPPY is moving. All of a sudden I get a phone call telling me my next appointment is going to be in a new office.
*le sigh* my first instinct is to say "F that, I guess I'll need a new therapist." And damn is that an instinct worth following.
But I've gone through 3 therapists already and I'm not really sure how Dr. B would look upon ditching a fourth.
My Psych teacher has a practice about 40 minutes away from my house which is around double the drive time of manbearpuppy and a little closer than Dr. B's office.
I really like Patti and already it seems like I've got a pretty good feel of her additude. She's already shared with the class that she has PTSD and the circumstances surrounding that, and I think she'd really be able to help me get over shit.
Even manbearpuppy has commented on how based on my behavior and general affect it's easy for her to think I've gone through trauma. She's tossed around complex ptsd, but I really don't know if my past would really fit that diagnosis. I agree with her than I do show a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain a lot of my phobias and possibly help explain my self injury (and the rest of my negative coping shit)
Idk.
I think right now my main focus is going to be just getting Dr. B to agree to continue drugging me up without therapy.
but my thing is that I don't like lying to Dr. B decent therapy could definantly help me out right about now.
FML I guess that's the only thing that can sum up this shit
It seems to be a habit.
I'll go a couple days updating consistantly, and then I fall off the face of the earth.
Hopefully this will be the last time I have to promise to change that.
In less apologetic news...
We've got 2 updates on ManBearPig2.0!!!
1. ManBearPig2.0 has recently been renamed (fanfareplease)
MANBEARPUPPY!
I was with my mom after a doctors visit and was telling her how I was starting to hate manbearpig less.
Then my mom, out of nowhere, says something like "so instead of manbearpig, she's more of a manbearpuppy".
Flipping Genius!
After a while I thought of it like this, nobody (except Michael Vick) wants to punch a puppy in the face.
Granted, I'm not about to hug her or anything, or even think she's an ok therapist, but I wouldn't punch her in the face either.
2. ManbearPUPPY is moving. All of a sudden I get a phone call telling me my next appointment is going to be in a new office.
*le sigh* my first instinct is to say "F that, I guess I'll need a new therapist." And damn is that an instinct worth following.
But I've gone through 3 therapists already and I'm not really sure how Dr. B would look upon ditching a fourth.
My Psych teacher has a practice about 40 minutes away from my house which is around double the drive time of manbearpuppy and a little closer than Dr. B's office.
I really like Patti and already it seems like I've got a pretty good feel of her additude. She's already shared with the class that she has PTSD and the circumstances surrounding that, and I think she'd really be able to help me get over shit.
Even manbearpuppy has commented on how based on my behavior and general affect it's easy for her to think I've gone through trauma. She's tossed around complex ptsd, but I really don't know if my past would really fit that diagnosis. I agree with her than I do show a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain a lot of my phobias and possibly help explain my self injury (and the rest of my negative coping shit)
Idk.
I think right now my main focus is going to be just getting Dr. B to agree to continue drugging me up without therapy.
but my thing is that I don't like lying to Dr. B decent therapy could definantly help me out right about now.
FML I guess that's the only thing that can sum up this shit
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)