Hola Chicas,
its winter break now (until Jan 20th) and the word of the week(s) is DRUMROLL..... apathy.
Even I can see that stuff could be a lot worse right now, but I'm feeling frustratingly pent up right now. Its nothing out of control. It just feels like the calm before the storm.
Calm is usually a good thing, but this sort of stagnant grey murky kind usually leads to badness.
What's worse is the fact that I'm sort of craving the excitement that goes along with both Ed and hypomania.
Intelectually I know that with both come maddening anxiety, phobias, health issues, and a generally shitty life, but in the begining things feel amazing.
I love the feeling of euphoria that comes with restricting. Then my behaviors usually lead to hypomanic episodes and for a little while I feel even better. Then I get anxious, then I'll start binging, then purging, cutting, snapping at everyone.
But in the begining, nothing could possible feel more serene and superior.
A very good friend of mine is getting sicker and sicker, but we both have these fucked up goals. I'm afraid she might die, but both of us swear we know what our bodies can do.
I'm losing 2 stone by the time I'm back at school, hopefully more.
I don't know what I'll do if I fail at this.
No comments:
Post a Comment