Skoolz

Ah School...Oh how I loathe thee. So yeah, less than 12 hours after posting last time I'm up again and stuck in school. I'm in lunch now and seriously need some rest.
I just got out of poetry and even though I'm realizing now it's pretty much a waste of a class, it is pretty fun. It'll help with my major too (education).My teacher asked if she could use one of my poems later, I don't know if she's going to just use it as an example or what, but I'm pumped.
hearts and kisses

*le sigh*

Insomnia seems to be my new bff right now.

I woke up at 8 this morning and even went out and got pumpkins today, but still I'm not at all tired.

Of course it could have to do with the diet coke, or the computer, or any number of things.

I really thought it may have been my concerta keeping me awake, but I didn't take it this morning and I'm still awake.

I feel like a whiney child!

And I'm acting like one too.

I'm not at all looking forward to school tomorrow. I know it's not really supposed to be a big deal, and I don't even have to go to class if I don't want to, but still, it's 8 o'clock (which has been more like 7.15 recently) till 9 in the evening.

13 M.F. hours!

And I only have 4 classes.

Ugh... it seems like that word is another new staple in my vocabulary .

After nutrition tomorrow, or maybe after posting this, I'm going to start looking for meal plans. I can't afford to see a nutritionist (and this is endlessly hilarious to me because I'm taking a nutrition class) and I really need a set plan to try and set up boundaries.

I see my T on thursday and hopefully she can approve what I find.

I'm thinking something along the lines of what we had at Renfrew:

I just need to figure out what the nutritional shit was. It feels like yesterday I was ip at Renfrew, but it was almost 2.5 years ago.

Sometimes I wish I was back.

Like, I wish I didn't have an Ed but I feel like getting help now, before I was trapped in that overpowering cycle (before accidental overdoses that may or may not have really been accidental) then treatment might actually work.

I do know that one of the most important things for tx would be getting my family on board, which would be uber difficult because we're in such tight quarters and there's so many of us (Me, Madre, Gram, Haley, Xavier, Debbie, and 3 cats and 3 dogs), or more realistically, getting out of this house.

Which is why I think IP or residental would be so benificial.

My first therapist and Dr B. recommended "theraputic boarding school" when I was in 10th grade, after the first year of "mucho de suicidal".

Unfortunantly being poor got in the way of that. So I got to hang at my normal school, at least when I wasn't trying to off myself.

Grr... I feel like there really was supposed to be a uniting theme with this post besides blabbering, but I just can't find it.

Night luvies,

(although I doubt I'll be going to sleep, more likely just reading fanfiction like the loser I am :P )

Un-Smiles

uGh...

than seems to be the only word for my weekend

it's 12.04 as i'm writing this

and i feel like i've got a huge knot in my tummy

and my neck hurts

and my whole sensory thing is skewed as well

i almost feel drunk,

but then again i've never been drunk

so this is my aproxamation

perhaps tunnel vission would be a better word for it

ugh

my knot is working it's way up and down my esophagus

*le sigh*

this reminds me of the first time i purged

to just make my stomach feel better

then again i was also sick and out of school for 3 weeks that

time so i guess the similarities end

:( oh well

i'm still tired and achey as all else

insomnia blows

and to bring it all back....

just

uGh

Morning!

Morning luvies!

It's been around an hour and a half since I woke up and

I'm still feeling like I got ran over by a mac truck.

Migranes, or as I call these ones that seem to center around my eyes, eyegraines, blow.

However, it also doesn't help me any to hole up and disappear in my room.

So I'm out in the living room, with three puppies all around me,

Okie lying on the back of the couch like a cat, monkey sitting next to me, and cisse lying by my feet. No matter how much these demons drive me crazy sometimes I love them to death, especially when they realize I don't have the patience to run around like a mad woman trying to keep them from trouble.

Anyway, there wasn't really a point to this post besides updating about the 'eyegraine' and just letting everyone know that while I'm still holing my self up in the house, I have emerged from the purple pit that is my bedroom.

And also,

I've realized, or rather had my face shoved into the fact that unrealistic caloric intakes set you up for a hell of a backlash.

I still wish I could stick with XXX amount of calories and lose the weight I want to in a set amount of time, but it isn't going to happen.

Major symptom use yesterday tells me that I'd only be setting myself up for more failure

Nutri-What? Bulimia Edition

Hi y'all.

Life's been pretty shitty recently.

I've started using negative coping skills again, and I am getting help right now. I've also started a new diet and honestly, I think it's better if I keep that to myself.

Idk, perhaps details will come later, but for now I'm starting a series of posts explaining some of the bullshit out there relating to nutrition.

Here's the first, it's pretty much just a paper I recently did for my nutrition class, and please don't think I'm so basic in my understanding of EDs. It had to be 5-6 pages max of double spaced size 12 font, so give me some credit, and anyway, in the description of the paper I'm pretty sure that 5-6 pages was supposed to include a works cited page, but ANYWAY, I totally ignored that.

Without Further Ado;

Bulimia Nervosa; an eating disorder with medical consequences.

Bulimia Nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by cycles of binge eating and behaviors to rid the body of the calories consumed, but bulimia is so much more than that. Bulimia has just as much to do with unhealthy thought processes as it does with unhealthy nutritional habits. Anywhere from 2-3 % of Americans suffer from Bulimia on any given day, and studies show rates are increasing at an alarming rate (Statistics: Eating Disorders and their Precursors, 2006). While no one knows exactly what causes Bulimia, Anorexia, or other eating disorders, arming people with the knowledge of what eating disorders and how to help someone with an eating disorder can save countless lives.

By Definition …

The American Psychiatric Association provides the following definition of Bulimia Nervosa in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV:

A. Recurring episodes of binge eating. The two characteristics of a binge-eating episode are:

(1) Eating a much larger amount of food than most people would consider normal under similar circumstances and within the same time frame (eating may continue for several hours).

(2) While eating, there is a feeling of loss of control over the amount of food or type of food being consumed.

B. There are recurring efforts to compensate for bingeing episodes and to avoid gaining weight. These may take the form of self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, diuretics, enemas, restricting calories or excessive exercise.

C. On average, binge eating and compensatory behaviors take place twice weekly, and have done so for 3 months.

D. There is an excessive influence of body weight and shape on self-worth.

E. The disorder occurs at times other than during episodes of anorexia nervosa.

Purging Type: Throughout the present episode of bulimia nervosa, there has been a regular occurrence of purging behaviors in the form of self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, diuretics, or enemas.

Non-purging Type: Throughout the present episode of bulimia nervosa, there have been other efforts to compensate, such as restricting calories or excessive exercise, but there has been no regular occurrence of self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, diuretics, or enemas.

This is the most up-to-date definition of Bulimia and is used by most clinicians in America, and set the standard for worldwide definitions. Many though, believe that the current guidelines are too restrictive and need to be broadened. Recommended changes to be included in the DSM V include changing the duration of symptom use to once-a-week for three months, and also getting rid of sub-categories (Wilfley, Bishop, Wilson & Agras, 2007).

In reality…

While the APA’s definition is useful in clinical practices, it is very cut-and-dry, and doesn’t really provide an in-depth description. An unfortunate part of many psychological illnesses is that they vary so widely it is difficult to pin down what exactly they can mean to each and every sufferer. For some bulimics an unplanned snack, for example, a cookie or two could equate to a binge. For others a binge can and does include anywhere from 2,000 to 10,000 calories. The first is an example of a subjective binge, to the individual it seems like a grotesque amount, but in reality it isn’t anymore than someone without bulimia might eat. The second type of binge, the larger, is called an objective binge, meaning that the amount of food consumed is obviously exuberant. What makes both feel the same to bulimics is the shame that comes with them. Bulimia often begins with a diet, as does anorexia. The type of diet that may lead the predisposed to bulimia is usually very restrictive, especially concerning fat and carbohydrate content. Most bulimics restrict their intake during the day and then, after a long day, succumb to hunger signals and cannot control the urge to consume (Lock & Le Grange, 2005). Bulimics equate depravation with goodness, even godliness, and the slightest feeling of fullness as evil, or unclean-ness. The feelings of fullness and guilt eventually become too overwhelming and then symptom uses occurs. Bulimics will often purge by means of self-induced vomiting, abuse of diet pills, or laxatives, or even emetics like Ipecac. Other behaviors include extreme fasting or over-exercising (Goldsmith, 2006). Many Bulimics start out using behaviors after hearing of the relief they give others, or after seeing the behaviors glamorized by the media. That is not to say the media causes eating disorders, in fact very little research has found any solid links between the media’s portrayal what a body should look like eating disorders. Things become tricky when attempts to provide information on eating disorders, end up teaching viewers exactly how to purge, or fast, or over exercise instead of teaching about the risks associated with each.

Risks…

Cases of bulimia have been reported in all age groups, though the majority of bulimia cases are diagnosed in adolescent young women. These adolescents are going through huge physical and mental changes, and any disruption can prove irreversible. Bulimia absolutely ravages the body. Besides psychological side effects like depression and anxiety there are also numerous physical complications. Some complications can be easily corrected with cessation of binging and purging behaviors, however some are permanent and are bound to survive as reminders of the danger of bulimia.

The easiest way to describe the effects of bulimia is to go from the top to the bottom. Headaches and dizziness are common in bulimia and can have to do with fluctuations in blood sugar and blood pressure. Hair will often fall out in clumps, further worrying bulimics about their appearance In the mouth teeth often rot and become painful from the acidity of both binge foods and from the acidity of vomit. Salivary glands also often become swollen and inflamed, giving bulimics a ‘chipmunk cheeked’ appearance. Forced vomiting and stress caused by rapid eating can damage the esophagus and stomach lining. Ulcers and esophageal tears, called Mallory-Weiss tears are common. The heart often becomes stressed because of potassium and sodium imbalances and EKGs often show heart irregularities caused by Bulimia. The whole body can, and will easily become dehydrated and potassium, sodium, and magnesium levels can go dangerously low, and cause heart attack or failure, as well as kidney and liver failure. This can be especially dangerous because the presence of an eating disorder often disqualifies patients for necessary heart transplant surgeries. Because bulimics often don’t consume adequate amounts of nutrients or get rid of what they do consume, iron- deficiency-anemia and vitamin and mineral deficiency are often noted. Laxatives often disrupt the normal rhythms in the small intestines and bulimics can become dependant after chronic use. Laxative abuse can cause constipation, irregular bowl movements, bloating, diarrhea, and delayed gastric emptying; all of which cause discomfort in eating and often make recovery from bulimia more uncomfortable than carrying on with behaviors. Issues with acne and dry flakey skin, as well as abrasions on knuckles where they scrape teeth are also common. Edema in the hands and feet due to fluid and salt retention is also common. The effects of bulimia are wide spread and vary from nuisances to fatal complications (Bulimia Side Effects, n.d.)

…and risk factors

Bulimia was not widely known of until the 1980s, although women have been using bulimic symptoms for hundreds of years (Liu, 2007). Science is just starting to realize the depth of what exactly makes us human, and every day there are more and more genome studies pointing to genetic factors in Bulimia (Shaw, n.d.). It’s important to understand that having the genetics doesn’t mean a person will automatically become bulimic. It is comparable to alcoholism, if a person never touches a drop of alcohol, they can’t become alcoholic. The same is true with bulimia, if they don’t begin the cycle (diet restrictively, binge, purge), than they can’t become bulimic. Not everyone who uses bulimic symptoms is bulimic, but for those with genetic predispositions using symptoms can be addictive after only one use (Boyes, 2008). Another, more commonly thought of risk factor for bulimia is impulsiveness. Bulimia is often referred to as an impulse disorder, and in fact disorders like kleptomania, nymphomania, and self-injurious behaviors are often seen in bulimics. One population that receives a lot of media coverage is that of bulimics with histories of physically or sexually traumatic events. While there is no doubting that many bulimics do have traumatic pasts, traumatic pasts alone are not enough to cause bulimia. If in fact it was, how could the thousands of bulimics without traumatic pasts be explained? Many therapists, and parents, often make the mistake of believing trauma is a necessity to the development of an eating disorder (Lock & Le Grange, 2005). Basing treatment around this idea, that perhaps parents have abused their child in some way and must be separated, can in fact be severely traumatic and can ruin entire relationships. In fact, when bulimics begin treatment they are in a very fragile state of mind, and if it is suggested to them that they were abused, when they were in fact not, some will piece together hints that caretakers have dropped and unintentionally creating abusive histories that never happened (Lynn, 1998).

Treatment and the future of bulimia

Treatment for bulimia typically begins with a clinical evaluation. This can occur any where from a routine physicians office to a treatment center specializing in eating disorders. Before beginning treatment for psychological and cognitive disturbances, physical side effects must begin to be corrected. This can be as easy as recommending an electrolyte replacement fluid, like Gatorade, or it can include surgery to correct tears in the esophagus. After physical effects are worked on therapy can begin. Typically the earlier an eating disorder is spotted, meaning the shorter the duration, the better the outcome. That is not to say cases are less severe, but chronic bulimics tend to have more complicated physical and psychological disturbances (Bulimia: Essentials

, 2008). Typically therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and family therapy are used to treat bulimia. Recently though, dialectical behavioral therapy, which was initially developed to treat borderline personality has been revamped to treat bulimia (Tiemeyer, 2009).

Every day new research is being let loose about bulimia. Doctors, nutritionists, therapists, and the purely curious are doing all they can to explain and eventually prevent bulimia, but until the day they do the tools available must be enough. A world without bulimia might be the goal, but it will be impossible until the bulimics already out there are treated and cured, or of course die without getting the appropriate help.

Works Cited

" Bulimia Side Effects ." BulimiaSideEffects.com. Casa Palmera. Web. 1 Oct. 2009. .

Boyes, Jennifer. "Understanding Bulimia Nervosa: Information on the Binge/Purge Cycle and How to Spot the Symptoms | Suite101.com." Bulimia | Suite101.com. 16 Mar. 2008. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

Goldsmith, Toby D. "Bulimia: Binging and Purging | Psych Central." Psych Central - Trusted information in mental health and psychology. 19 Oct. 2006. Web. 1 Oct. 2009. .

"Learn what a typical Bulimia prognosis is at Consumer Reports Health." Find Product Reviews and Ratings from Consumer Reports. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

Liu, Aimee. Gaining The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders. Grand Rapids: Grand Central, 2007. Print.

Lock, James, and Daniel Le Grange. Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder. New York: The Guilford, 2005. Print.

Lynn, Steven Jay. Truth in memory. New York: Guilford, 1998. Print.

Shaw, Gina. "Anorexia and Bulimia: Cracking the Genetic Code." WebMD - Better information. Better health. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

"Statistics: Eating Disorders and their Precursors." National Eating Disorders Association. National Eating Disorders Association, 2006. Web. 1 Oct. 2009. .

Tiemeyer, Matthew. "DBT for Bulimia - Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Bulimia Nervosa." Eating Disorders - Eating Disorders Information Including Anorexia, Bulimia, and More. 28 Apr. 2009. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

Wilfley, Denise E., Monica E. Bishop, G. Terence Wilson, and W. Stewart Agras. Classification of eating disorders: toward DSM-V. 40.S3 (2007): 123-29. WileyInterScience. Web. 10 Oct. 2009. .

Word of the day and confessions

Nomotion; 1. A promotion without a raise or bonus.

Use in a sentence; Community College is a total nomotion when you can't flipping drive and still live with the parentals.



*le sigh*
School's still fine.
As in the most basic meaning of the word, it's like all together the experience and stress is like a car crash, and I'm playing down all of the crap and saying "I'm fine" so I don't get driven to the hospital.

School itself is alright, my grades are stellar, straight A's. But the stress is masacring my mind.
I ended up self injurnig twice before my first speech in my effective speaking class. Once in the morning of, and then again just minutes before the actual speech. I was sitting in the back of the class and I just rolled up my sleeve and dragged an exacto blade over my arm.

I knew it was a negative coping skill, and I felt pretty crappy about it later, but in the moment it did what I needed it to. The fact that I got an A on the speech made it a lot harder to think I should stop. But I am.

The day after the speech I saw MANBEARPIG the therapist and totally b.s.'d her. Then on Tuesday I saw Dr. B. the psychatrist and told her everything.
We ended up coming up with a plan so I'm seeing MANBEARPIG on Thursday and I'm going to try and get over my dislike of her (and therapist in general) enough to tell her the truth and work on shit.
I figure it can't hurt much, and if it doesn't work after a few appointments I can always try to find someone I feel comfortable with.

Oh well.
I guess this could be considered day day 4 of being honest.
Wish me luck on making it till thursday with that whole honesty thing.

BCT Bitches

School is pretty flipping snazzy!
It's all going pretty well and I'm doing alright in all of my classes.
Transport on the other hand is a bitch.
I can't drive so I'm using bucks county transport.
I've got to be ready at least a half hour before tit's scheduled and they can be half of an hour late.
They called at like 806 this morning and I couldn't answer it but I went outside, I got like 10 feet away from the van and they drove away. FML