I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Hola Chicas,
its winter break now (until Jan 20th) and the word of the week(s) is DRUMROLL..... apathy.
Even I can see that stuff could be a lot worse right now, but I'm feeling frustratingly pent up right now. Its nothing out of control. It just feels like the calm before the storm.
Calm is usually a good thing, but this sort of stagnant grey murky kind usually leads to badness.
What's worse is the fact that I'm sort of craving the excitement that goes along with both Ed and hypomania.
Intelectually I know that with both come maddening anxiety, phobias, health issues, and a generally shitty life, but in the begining things feel amazing.
I love the feeling of euphoria that comes with restricting. Then my behaviors usually lead to hypomanic episodes and for a little while I feel even better. Then I get anxious, then I'll start binging, then purging, cutting, snapping at everyone.
But in the begining, nothing could possible feel more serene and superior.
A very good friend of mine is getting sicker and sicker, but we both have these fucked up goals. I'm afraid she might die, but both of us swear we know what our bodies can do.


I'm losing 2 stone by the time I'm back at school, hopefully more.
I don't know what I'll do if I fail at this.

Hola Bitches... Welcome to Finals Week

I'm sure I could have posted this last week, seeing as I've only got 1 day of finals.
I've got a Introduction to Poetry final at 11 am and then the Nutrition final at 3.
Poetry shouldn't be too hard; it's basically 2 essay questions where we have to explicate one of the poems she provides while including 5-7 of the terms she wants, and then we have to reflect on a few of the speaches our class mates did.
I ended up skipping friday's class because Tara had just gotten home on thursday night, and along with Tara came the 11 pm Wawa run. It certainly was interesting.

Nutrition is going to be a bitch though.
I only made it to 1 class week and only made 1 the week before too. The first week I had an excuse but this last week I just couldn't bring myself to watch the woman make a fool out of herself. On monday she was out of her mind; the entire class was spent pretty much laughing at her!
Roxanne is convinced she was drunk, but I think it was more of a benzo kind of thing. Maybe pain killers, but certainly something. She's always been a little wacky in a bad way, but this was insane!
The final exam is on the last 3 chapters and I haven't read any of them yet. I'll find time to do that before I get to poetry and then after I finish that exam.
Ugh...
It's been a long week.
I feel like my last speech fell apart, even though it was about FBT, something I'm really interested in, and the Okie ate my glasses
so I'm stuck getting all squinty eyed during my finals and cramming {and cramping :/ } and I've got a cold. It could have been worse, and probablly would have if I hadn't gotten the h1n1 vaccine, it's really going around my school and I really can't afford, physically, mentally, or financially to get really sick.
On the up side of things, I scheduled an interview with Sesame Place for the first of February, which is a long ways away, but I guess isn't to crazy for being a seasonal place. If I'd looked harder I'm sure I could have found a winter job, but I'd be lying if I said I don't have it good right now.
Besides my family being insanely unstable ( I dare you to find just 1 section of the DSM that some one in my family doesn't have a diagnosis in) I'm living it up. I don't pay rent (or perhaps I do emotionally), I don't pay for food, I still get an allowance, I'm pretty fucking set.

Sometimes though,
I feel like it's killing me.
I can't drive, I never visit friends, I never really leave the house unless I'm going to a doctor or school,
and my family is sucking out my soul.

Alas though,
Tomorrow is always another day, and there's always life after community college!

Ahh, Blogging

I've been pretty lax on the updating again.
It seems to be a habit.
I'll go a couple days updating consistantly, and then I fall off the face of the earth.

Hopefully this will be the last time I have to promise to change that.

In less apologetic news...


We've got 2 updates on ManBearPig2.0!!!

1. ManBearPig2.0 has recently been renamed (fanfareplease)
MANBEARPUPPY!

I was with my mom after a doctors visit and was telling her how I was starting to hate manbearpig less.
Then my mom, out of nowhere, says something like "so instead of manbearpig, she's more of a manbearpuppy".
Flipping Genius!
After a while I thought of it like this, nobody (except Michael Vick) wants to punch a puppy in the face.
Granted, I'm not about to hug her or anything, or even think she's an ok therapist, but I wouldn't punch her in the face either.

2. ManbearPUPPY is moving. All of a sudden I get a phone call telling me my next appointment is going to be in a new office.
*le sigh* my first instinct is to say "F that, I guess I'll need a new therapist." And damn is that an instinct worth following.
But I've gone through 3 therapists already and I'm not really sure how Dr. B would look upon ditching a fourth.
My Psych teacher has a practice about 40 minutes away from my house which is around double the drive time of manbearpuppy and a little closer than Dr. B's office.
I really like Patti and already it seems like I've got a pretty good feel of her additude. She's already shared with the class that she has PTSD and the circumstances surrounding that, and I think she'd really be able to help me get over shit.
Even manbearpuppy has commented on how based on my behavior and general affect it's easy for her to think I've gone through trauma. She's tossed around complex ptsd, but I really don't know if my past would really fit that diagnosis. I agree with her than I do show a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain a lot of my phobias and possibly help explain my self injury (and the rest of my negative coping shit)
Idk.
I think right now my main focus is going to be just getting Dr. B to agree to continue drugging me up without therapy.
but my thing is that I don't like lying to Dr. B decent therapy could definantly help me out right about now.
FML I guess that's the only thing that can sum up this shit

Today I feel like...

La Lohan

Ok, I know, I know,
this isn't really what I usually post about or anything.
I usually try to stay away from pop culture, but I was on Perezhilton.com a few minutes ago and followed a link to a private phone call from Lindsay Lohan that her 'dad' sold to the press.

Honestly, I feel dirty after listening to this.
I feel horrible.
This girl is in serious emotional pain, and can't even get the privacy afforded to a fucking phone call!

I've never been a fan of Michael Lohan, he's always sounded like a douche bag, but I didn't really think too much about it until now. Selling a recording that shows Lindsay so vulnerable is vile. It's despicable, and possibly even illegal (recording a phone call without her knowlege).
From what I've seen, which isn't much, Lindsay Lohan is kind of a wreck right now, but that's HER issue. It's not America's issue, and to bring the media into such a private matter is disgusting.
Michael Lohan is a fucking douche bag, and should see some consequences for this dispicable display!

So, I really should let y'all know this update is more like a sneak-peak or something.
I need to hurry up and get going so I'm actually dressed before my ride shows up, in oh, say 15 minutes. I'm still trying to push that back as far as I can though, because pajamas are much warmer and more comfortable.
Anyway..
there isn't really much of point for this except to waste time
but here's the freakiest thing.
I woke up this morning from a dream I was going into labor, but we we're singing.
Some freaky shit, especially because I'm neither preggo or even somewhat vocally inclined.
It was some freaky cross over between 16 and Pregnant, and Glee.

Let's hope it wasn't an omen or anything.
I'd hate ruin any of my future offsprings hearing with my screechy cat howl of a voice.

Oh well,
clothes await.
(and so does the bus that is only minutes away)
xoxo

Skoolz

Ah School...Oh how I loathe thee. So yeah, less than 12 hours after posting last time I'm up again and stuck in school. I'm in lunch now and seriously need some rest.
I just got out of poetry and even though I'm realizing now it's pretty much a waste of a class, it is pretty fun. It'll help with my major too (education).My teacher asked if she could use one of my poems later, I don't know if she's going to just use it as an example or what, but I'm pumped.
hearts and kisses

*le sigh*

Insomnia seems to be my new bff right now.

I woke up at 8 this morning and even went out and got pumpkins today, but still I'm not at all tired.

Of course it could have to do with the diet coke, or the computer, or any number of things.

I really thought it may have been my concerta keeping me awake, but I didn't take it this morning and I'm still awake.

I feel like a whiney child!

And I'm acting like one too.

I'm not at all looking forward to school tomorrow. I know it's not really supposed to be a big deal, and I don't even have to go to class if I don't want to, but still, it's 8 o'clock (which has been more like 7.15 recently) till 9 in the evening.

13 M.F. hours!

And I only have 4 classes.

Ugh... it seems like that word is another new staple in my vocabulary .

After nutrition tomorrow, or maybe after posting this, I'm going to start looking for meal plans. I can't afford to see a nutritionist (and this is endlessly hilarious to me because I'm taking a nutrition class) and I really need a set plan to try and set up boundaries.

I see my T on thursday and hopefully she can approve what I find.

I'm thinking something along the lines of what we had at Renfrew:

I just need to figure out what the nutritional shit was. It feels like yesterday I was ip at Renfrew, but it was almost 2.5 years ago.

Sometimes I wish I was back.

Like, I wish I didn't have an Ed but I feel like getting help now, before I was trapped in that overpowering cycle (before accidental overdoses that may or may not have really been accidental) then treatment might actually work.

I do know that one of the most important things for tx would be getting my family on board, which would be uber difficult because we're in such tight quarters and there's so many of us (Me, Madre, Gram, Haley, Xavier, Debbie, and 3 cats and 3 dogs), or more realistically, getting out of this house.

Which is why I think IP or residental would be so benificial.

My first therapist and Dr B. recommended "theraputic boarding school" when I was in 10th grade, after the first year of "mucho de suicidal".

Unfortunantly being poor got in the way of that. So I got to hang at my normal school, at least when I wasn't trying to off myself.

Grr... I feel like there really was supposed to be a uniting theme with this post besides blabbering, but I just can't find it.

Night luvies,

(although I doubt I'll be going to sleep, more likely just reading fanfiction like the loser I am :P )

Un-Smiles

uGh...

than seems to be the only word for my weekend

it's 12.04 as i'm writing this

and i feel like i've got a huge knot in my tummy

and my neck hurts

and my whole sensory thing is skewed as well

i almost feel drunk,

but then again i've never been drunk

so this is my aproxamation

perhaps tunnel vission would be a better word for it

ugh

my knot is working it's way up and down my esophagus

*le sigh*

this reminds me of the first time i purged

to just make my stomach feel better

then again i was also sick and out of school for 3 weeks that

time so i guess the similarities end

:( oh well

i'm still tired and achey as all else

insomnia blows

and to bring it all back....

just

uGh

Morning!

Morning luvies!

It's been around an hour and a half since I woke up and

I'm still feeling like I got ran over by a mac truck.

Migranes, or as I call these ones that seem to center around my eyes, eyegraines, blow.

However, it also doesn't help me any to hole up and disappear in my room.

So I'm out in the living room, with three puppies all around me,

Okie lying on the back of the couch like a cat, monkey sitting next to me, and cisse lying by my feet. No matter how much these demons drive me crazy sometimes I love them to death, especially when they realize I don't have the patience to run around like a mad woman trying to keep them from trouble.

Anyway, there wasn't really a point to this post besides updating about the 'eyegraine' and just letting everyone know that while I'm still holing my self up in the house, I have emerged from the purple pit that is my bedroom.

And also,

I've realized, or rather had my face shoved into the fact that unrealistic caloric intakes set you up for a hell of a backlash.

I still wish I could stick with XXX amount of calories and lose the weight I want to in a set amount of time, but it isn't going to happen.

Major symptom use yesterday tells me that I'd only be setting myself up for more failure

Nutri-What? Bulimia Edition

Hi y'all.

Life's been pretty shitty recently.

I've started using negative coping skills again, and I am getting help right now. I've also started a new diet and honestly, I think it's better if I keep that to myself.

Idk, perhaps details will come later, but for now I'm starting a series of posts explaining some of the bullshit out there relating to nutrition.

Here's the first, it's pretty much just a paper I recently did for my nutrition class, and please don't think I'm so basic in my understanding of EDs. It had to be 5-6 pages max of double spaced size 12 font, so give me some credit, and anyway, in the description of the paper I'm pretty sure that 5-6 pages was supposed to include a works cited page, but ANYWAY, I totally ignored that.

Without Further Ado;

Bulimia Nervosa; an eating disorder with medical consequences.

Bulimia Nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by cycles of binge eating and behaviors to rid the body of the calories consumed, but bulimia is so much more than that. Bulimia has just as much to do with unhealthy thought processes as it does with unhealthy nutritional habits. Anywhere from 2-3 % of Americans suffer from Bulimia on any given day, and studies show rates are increasing at an alarming rate (Statistics: Eating Disorders and their Precursors, 2006). While no one knows exactly what causes Bulimia, Anorexia, or other eating disorders, arming people with the knowledge of what eating disorders and how to help someone with an eating disorder can save countless lives.

By Definition …

The American Psychiatric Association provides the following definition of Bulimia Nervosa in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV:

A. Recurring episodes of binge eating. The two characteristics of a binge-eating episode are:

(1) Eating a much larger amount of food than most people would consider normal under similar circumstances and within the same time frame (eating may continue for several hours).

(2) While eating, there is a feeling of loss of control over the amount of food or type of food being consumed.

B. There are recurring efforts to compensate for bingeing episodes and to avoid gaining weight. These may take the form of self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, diuretics, enemas, restricting calories or excessive exercise.

C. On average, binge eating and compensatory behaviors take place twice weekly, and have done so for 3 months.

D. There is an excessive influence of body weight and shape on self-worth.

E. The disorder occurs at times other than during episodes of anorexia nervosa.

Purging Type: Throughout the present episode of bulimia nervosa, there has been a regular occurrence of purging behaviors in the form of self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, diuretics, or enemas.

Non-purging Type: Throughout the present episode of bulimia nervosa, there have been other efforts to compensate, such as restricting calories or excessive exercise, but there has been no regular occurrence of self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, diuretics, or enemas.

This is the most up-to-date definition of Bulimia and is used by most clinicians in America, and set the standard for worldwide definitions. Many though, believe that the current guidelines are too restrictive and need to be broadened. Recommended changes to be included in the DSM V include changing the duration of symptom use to once-a-week for three months, and also getting rid of sub-categories (Wilfley, Bishop, Wilson & Agras, 2007).

In reality…

While the APA’s definition is useful in clinical practices, it is very cut-and-dry, and doesn’t really provide an in-depth description. An unfortunate part of many psychological illnesses is that they vary so widely it is difficult to pin down what exactly they can mean to each and every sufferer. For some bulimics an unplanned snack, for example, a cookie or two could equate to a binge. For others a binge can and does include anywhere from 2,000 to 10,000 calories. The first is an example of a subjective binge, to the individual it seems like a grotesque amount, but in reality it isn’t anymore than someone without bulimia might eat. The second type of binge, the larger, is called an objective binge, meaning that the amount of food consumed is obviously exuberant. What makes both feel the same to bulimics is the shame that comes with them. Bulimia often begins with a diet, as does anorexia. The type of diet that may lead the predisposed to bulimia is usually very restrictive, especially concerning fat and carbohydrate content. Most bulimics restrict their intake during the day and then, after a long day, succumb to hunger signals and cannot control the urge to consume (Lock & Le Grange, 2005). Bulimics equate depravation with goodness, even godliness, and the slightest feeling of fullness as evil, or unclean-ness. The feelings of fullness and guilt eventually become too overwhelming and then symptom uses occurs. Bulimics will often purge by means of self-induced vomiting, abuse of diet pills, or laxatives, or even emetics like Ipecac. Other behaviors include extreme fasting or over-exercising (Goldsmith, 2006). Many Bulimics start out using behaviors after hearing of the relief they give others, or after seeing the behaviors glamorized by the media. That is not to say the media causes eating disorders, in fact very little research has found any solid links between the media’s portrayal what a body should look like eating disorders. Things become tricky when attempts to provide information on eating disorders, end up teaching viewers exactly how to purge, or fast, or over exercise instead of teaching about the risks associated with each.

Risks…

Cases of bulimia have been reported in all age groups, though the majority of bulimia cases are diagnosed in adolescent young women. These adolescents are going through huge physical and mental changes, and any disruption can prove irreversible. Bulimia absolutely ravages the body. Besides psychological side effects like depression and anxiety there are also numerous physical complications. Some complications can be easily corrected with cessation of binging and purging behaviors, however some are permanent and are bound to survive as reminders of the danger of bulimia.

The easiest way to describe the effects of bulimia is to go from the top to the bottom. Headaches and dizziness are common in bulimia and can have to do with fluctuations in blood sugar and blood pressure. Hair will often fall out in clumps, further worrying bulimics about their appearance In the mouth teeth often rot and become painful from the acidity of both binge foods and from the acidity of vomit. Salivary glands also often become swollen and inflamed, giving bulimics a ‘chipmunk cheeked’ appearance. Forced vomiting and stress caused by rapid eating can damage the esophagus and stomach lining. Ulcers and esophageal tears, called Mallory-Weiss tears are common. The heart often becomes stressed because of potassium and sodium imbalances and EKGs often show heart irregularities caused by Bulimia. The whole body can, and will easily become dehydrated and potassium, sodium, and magnesium levels can go dangerously low, and cause heart attack or failure, as well as kidney and liver failure. This can be especially dangerous because the presence of an eating disorder often disqualifies patients for necessary heart transplant surgeries. Because bulimics often don’t consume adequate amounts of nutrients or get rid of what they do consume, iron- deficiency-anemia and vitamin and mineral deficiency are often noted. Laxatives often disrupt the normal rhythms in the small intestines and bulimics can become dependant after chronic use. Laxative abuse can cause constipation, irregular bowl movements, bloating, diarrhea, and delayed gastric emptying; all of which cause discomfort in eating and often make recovery from bulimia more uncomfortable than carrying on with behaviors. Issues with acne and dry flakey skin, as well as abrasions on knuckles where they scrape teeth are also common. Edema in the hands and feet due to fluid and salt retention is also common. The effects of bulimia are wide spread and vary from nuisances to fatal complications (Bulimia Side Effects, n.d.)

…and risk factors

Bulimia was not widely known of until the 1980s, although women have been using bulimic symptoms for hundreds of years (Liu, 2007). Science is just starting to realize the depth of what exactly makes us human, and every day there are more and more genome studies pointing to genetic factors in Bulimia (Shaw, n.d.). It’s important to understand that having the genetics doesn’t mean a person will automatically become bulimic. It is comparable to alcoholism, if a person never touches a drop of alcohol, they can’t become alcoholic. The same is true with bulimia, if they don’t begin the cycle (diet restrictively, binge, purge), than they can’t become bulimic. Not everyone who uses bulimic symptoms is bulimic, but for those with genetic predispositions using symptoms can be addictive after only one use (Boyes, 2008). Another, more commonly thought of risk factor for bulimia is impulsiveness. Bulimia is often referred to as an impulse disorder, and in fact disorders like kleptomania, nymphomania, and self-injurious behaviors are often seen in bulimics. One population that receives a lot of media coverage is that of bulimics with histories of physically or sexually traumatic events. While there is no doubting that many bulimics do have traumatic pasts, traumatic pasts alone are not enough to cause bulimia. If in fact it was, how could the thousands of bulimics without traumatic pasts be explained? Many therapists, and parents, often make the mistake of believing trauma is a necessity to the development of an eating disorder (Lock & Le Grange, 2005). Basing treatment around this idea, that perhaps parents have abused their child in some way and must be separated, can in fact be severely traumatic and can ruin entire relationships. In fact, when bulimics begin treatment they are in a very fragile state of mind, and if it is suggested to them that they were abused, when they were in fact not, some will piece together hints that caretakers have dropped and unintentionally creating abusive histories that never happened (Lynn, 1998).

Treatment and the future of bulimia

Treatment for bulimia typically begins with a clinical evaluation. This can occur any where from a routine physicians office to a treatment center specializing in eating disorders. Before beginning treatment for psychological and cognitive disturbances, physical side effects must begin to be corrected. This can be as easy as recommending an electrolyte replacement fluid, like Gatorade, or it can include surgery to correct tears in the esophagus. After physical effects are worked on therapy can begin. Typically the earlier an eating disorder is spotted, meaning the shorter the duration, the better the outcome. That is not to say cases are less severe, but chronic bulimics tend to have more complicated physical and psychological disturbances (Bulimia: Essentials

, 2008). Typically therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and family therapy are used to treat bulimia. Recently though, dialectical behavioral therapy, which was initially developed to treat borderline personality has been revamped to treat bulimia (Tiemeyer, 2009).

Every day new research is being let loose about bulimia. Doctors, nutritionists, therapists, and the purely curious are doing all they can to explain and eventually prevent bulimia, but until the day they do the tools available must be enough. A world without bulimia might be the goal, but it will be impossible until the bulimics already out there are treated and cured, or of course die without getting the appropriate help.

Works Cited

" Bulimia Side Effects ." BulimiaSideEffects.com. Casa Palmera. Web. 1 Oct. 2009. .

Boyes, Jennifer. "Understanding Bulimia Nervosa: Information on the Binge/Purge Cycle and How to Spot the Symptoms | Suite101.com." Bulimia | Suite101.com. 16 Mar. 2008. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

Goldsmith, Toby D. "Bulimia: Binging and Purging | Psych Central." Psych Central - Trusted information in mental health and psychology. 19 Oct. 2006. Web. 1 Oct. 2009. .

"Learn what a typical Bulimia prognosis is at Consumer Reports Health." Find Product Reviews and Ratings from Consumer Reports. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

Liu, Aimee. Gaining The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders. Grand Rapids: Grand Central, 2007. Print.

Lock, James, and Daniel Le Grange. Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder. New York: The Guilford, 2005. Print.

Lynn, Steven Jay. Truth in memory. New York: Guilford, 1998. Print.

Shaw, Gina. "Anorexia and Bulimia: Cracking the Genetic Code." WebMD - Better information. Better health. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

"Statistics: Eating Disorders and their Precursors." National Eating Disorders Association. National Eating Disorders Association, 2006. Web. 1 Oct. 2009. .

Tiemeyer, Matthew. "DBT for Bulimia - Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Bulimia Nervosa." Eating Disorders - Eating Disorders Information Including Anorexia, Bulimia, and More. 28 Apr. 2009. Web. 3 Oct. 2009. .

Wilfley, Denise E., Monica E. Bishop, G. Terence Wilson, and W. Stewart Agras. Classification of eating disorders: toward DSM-V. 40.S3 (2007): 123-29. WileyInterScience. Web. 10 Oct. 2009. .

Word of the day and confessions

Nomotion; 1. A promotion without a raise or bonus.

Use in a sentence; Community College is a total nomotion when you can't flipping drive and still live with the parentals.



*le sigh*
School's still fine.
As in the most basic meaning of the word, it's like all together the experience and stress is like a car crash, and I'm playing down all of the crap and saying "I'm fine" so I don't get driven to the hospital.

School itself is alright, my grades are stellar, straight A's. But the stress is masacring my mind.
I ended up self injurnig twice before my first speech in my effective speaking class. Once in the morning of, and then again just minutes before the actual speech. I was sitting in the back of the class and I just rolled up my sleeve and dragged an exacto blade over my arm.

I knew it was a negative coping skill, and I felt pretty crappy about it later, but in the moment it did what I needed it to. The fact that I got an A on the speech made it a lot harder to think I should stop. But I am.

The day after the speech I saw MANBEARPIG the therapist and totally b.s.'d her. Then on Tuesday I saw Dr. B. the psychatrist and told her everything.
We ended up coming up with a plan so I'm seeing MANBEARPIG on Thursday and I'm going to try and get over my dislike of her (and therapist in general) enough to tell her the truth and work on shit.
I figure it can't hurt much, and if it doesn't work after a few appointments I can always try to find someone I feel comfortable with.

Oh well.
I guess this could be considered day day 4 of being honest.
Wish me luck on making it till thursday with that whole honesty thing.

BCT Bitches

School is pretty flipping snazzy!
It's all going pretty well and I'm doing alright in all of my classes.
Transport on the other hand is a bitch.
I can't drive so I'm using bucks county transport.
I've got to be ready at least a half hour before tit's scheduled and they can be half of an hour late.
They called at like 806 this morning and I couldn't answer it but I went outside, I got like 10 feet away from the van and they drove away. FML

I can haz A?

It's been a while.
But for once it's because I'm having fun.
I come home and gripe about teachers and class mates but inside I'm
giddy about being able to SEE these things.

The point is, college fucking rocks!

p.s. Straight fucking A's BBs

First days of school!

Wow!
Lets just say there is a reason I didn't get to posting until right now.
It's been a week since I started at school and this is my 4th actual day, oh yeah did I mention I'm freaking there right now!
I love college!



Here's my schedule

MWF Intro to Poetry 11-11.50 am
MW Effective Speaking 1-2.15 pm
MW Nutrition 3-4.15 pm
AND
M Intro To Psychology 6.30-9 pm

Yup, holy crapola a 13 hour day on mondays.
But it's all good.
Even being here 13 hours hasn't sullied my mood about school, of course it is only my first week, so who knows.

Honestly, I don't know who's more happy for me here, me or my mother.
It's been years since I was this well adjusted and dare I say it, happy?
So, in conclusion fellow bloggaholics, all 's clear on the western front and life is fucking AmAzInG!

First day of college!

It's my first day of school y'all!
I'm so excited!
I got pretty anxious and sick to my tummy earlier but I'm so excited
now!
And fo' shiz I've got to say, I'm looking pretty darn fierce today!
I've got dark wash trouser jeans, a black tank top and cardigan (which
makes the 'girls' look fabulous!) open heart earrings to remember my
family is with me, and my special Life without Ed charm neacklace to
remember to love myself and stay positive, and I've also got some long
pearls I knoted off on.
I'll try to post a picture using somebodies camera later.
Wish me luck loves, I'll post about how it is either tonight, on my
break, or tomorrow( I've got off Tuesdays and Thursdays yay!)
TTYL
Xoxo

Close calls

Oh what a difference a day can make.
I'm sure I worried a few people yesterday, my self and my family
included, but things feel worlds better today.
I've got the house to myself till wendsday, or at least my 'side' of
the house. I'm sure Haley will be running back and forth helping me
set up my new room and just trying not to be too bored.
School starts on wendsday and I've just set up my FINAL schedule
earlier today.
It's exciting and scary, and I already can tell Ed might be kicking my
ass for a while, but I'll survive this.

......no use hiding

Between January and September 2006 I was hospitalized 3 times due to
suicide attempts. Add in August 2007 and we've got 4.
Now I'm praying I don't make it to 5 but I'm still not sure if I'm
praying I don't try, or if I'm praying I don't survive.

I love my family

This is going to be a long exciting week.
Yesterday I was at an outdoor speed skating race for Haley from 5.30- around 4. Even though it was raining and the races started late (and happened in the parking lot of the park instead of the park) and she really raced pretty poorly (understandably) it was fun.
Tomorrow morning my sister's going to leave for Virginia and on the 26th I have my first day of both riding the transport bus and college.

It's exciting, and sort of scary but I wouldn't be anywhere without this woman

There she goes again

*sigh*
I suppose I set myself up for this.
After writing a long tangent of a post about my cousin Xavier I should
have known he'd start acting like a giant tool again.

I mentioned how I get along better with his sister even on his best
days, but now his behavior with her is starting to eclipse any real
hope.

My cousin Haley is 8.5 years old (when you're 8 that half counts a
whole darn lot) and is basically me 11 years ago.
Well, Xavier is right around the age where boys are really little
human garbage cans, they eat anything(as long as there's no
nutritional value), they collect everyones waste/seem like a waste,
and if your not on top of them about it they start to smell like crap.
Besides being a normal teenager X has a bunch of angsty crap on top of
it; he clearly shows symptoms of ADHD, his dad has pretty much just
started being a minimal part of his life after a stint in the pokey
and years of not being around before then, and besides that X's mom
works a whole bunch of weird hours. She works at a huge chain store
that has a history of human rights violations and also is starting to
own the world( and used to have a smiley faced mascott named Sam) and
usually works from 10-6,12-8 which really doesn't leave much time for
two young kids.
Both Xavier and Haley really seem negativly influenced by that, and
more over by the fact that the time their mom is home is usually all
"mommy time" and they're pretty much roaming the house (and the
neighborhood) for stuff to do.
Anyway, Xavier seems to translate any feelings he has about that, or
really anything, into agression with Haley.
Last night in the car with me after a target run for school stuff she
almost randomly came out and said, "I just get put down so much."
I almost died.
Not only did she say that in such a put together way, but it's
upsetting she HAS to say that in the first place.
After X teased and tortured her right after we got home she said, "It
just seems like the only people here who don't pick on me or tease me
are you, your mom, and grandma."
It makes me sad and scared me.
She doesn't deserve this at all.

Sometimes I want more than anything to wish she could have clung to
someone else instead of me.
It's painful how similar she is to me at that age. She's turning 9 in
November and going into third grade.
That's when I first started purging to make myself "feel better".
And what's worse is that if she does start something like that, or
restricting no one will be able tell unless they're looking for it
because her body is so so advanced for her age.
She's already 5'1 and weighs somewhere around 123lbs which is in the
normal range. The thing that makes her sometimes look bigger is the
fact that she's still got 8 year old tummy, only she's a foot taller
than some of her class mates so its proportionatly sized too.
And seriously, that little girl is freaking feirce, she's an inline
speed skater and practices for 2.5 hours 3 times a week, seriously
she'll kick some major ass if you try and mess with her.
Anyway, the point is Xavier needs to get his act together (so do his
parents) and leave his sister in peace; and we've all got to watch out
for Haley, the last thing I want for her is to add body image/ eating
disorders to the list of shitty stuff nature/nurture have 'blessed'
her with.






Here's Me Xavier and Tara before Haley was born, and then Me Haley and Xavier on Haley's second christmas ( a little more than 1 year old)




and Here's Haley and Xavier a last summer
Here I am a couple months after I started purging

PWND!

Ah gamer speak/gamers in general,,
I've got to admit to a love hate relationship with them.
My cousin Xavier pretty much lives on his xbox360 when he's not after
school for track or with his girl friend ( who woulda thunk it, a 13
year old boy who barely leaves his mancave somehow snags a good
one ;p ). Between watching him play and just listening when I'm in the
next room over I've heard words I never would have dreamed of hearing
from him, at least for a few years. The kid has gone through 3 mics in
like 6 months and honestly I have no idea how all but his thum muscles
haven't just melted.
I do have to say though, however much it might sometimes get
annoying, I've learned a lot about him through just being around him
while he's playing. It's opened entire lines of conversation and sort
of helped us reconnect.
We used to be über tight.
He's around 6-7 years younger than me and my sister is only 18 months
younger so because he's always lived with us he was the puerto rican
little brother I never had. Those first few years I was so involved in
raising him.
I remember one moment so intensely, he was just getting to the age
where he was learning his own name and responding to it. The thing
was, I'd always called him baby bear, and eventually his mom and my
grandmother had to pull me aside to tell me I had to stop for a while
till he could understant it was a term of endearment not his name.
A few years after that he started/I started seeing his additide/
behavior problems.
Now that I'm older and have been diagnosed with ADHD myself it's
obvious he was showing symptoms but back then it just seemed like he
was evil and after his sister was born we really grew apart; which
really would explain a lot of his jealousy issues with her because I
wasn't really the only one, my mother and sister were already calling hi
the spawn of satan by his 3rd birthday.
Now with my casual interest in gaming and what with it being his big
hobby we've reconnected in a big way.
I know now that instead of going to the local high school next year
he's applying to the county technical high school. He's not into
English class, but he likes to write creative stories. His grades
frankly suck but he's starting to realize he's going to have to step
in up as he gets older. And he's also very seriously interested in
using his love of video games, computers, and technology to go into
that feild after school.
From the outside looking in he really seems like a slacker who needs
to step up to the plate and start getting his act together, but now
that I've sort of breached that bubble I've learned he's really got it
together; in his own messy, smelly, 13 year old boy kind of way.
And even though I'm still closer to his sister, and occasionally get
driven insane by his hyper-activity I see now he's a pretty nice worth
while kid, and he's growing into a pretty nice guy.

And to think, the same video games that are "ruining America" and
"making our children fat" (even though I've realized a lot of serious
gamers are underweight from being to into the game) slavaged a
relationship most people would have given up on.

Yay! First Mobile Blog

Hi y'all, I'm just checking to see if this thing works. Thanks for
putting up with my lack of sence
Xoxo

On the dangers of giving credit cards to, well me

I recently ventured into the world of trying to rip off/ get free stuff with trial offers and the like.
Now that I'm getting e-mails and terms of conditions and stuff it sounds like it'd been easier just to give up a first-born of something.
In fact it might be simpler to give up a first born because it can't have so many damn steps or contracts or terms.*

It's hard to believe all of this but now I guess I'm learning how messed up things can get when you try to a) get free things b0click on things that seem to good to be true.

Oh well, it'll be a long and complicated process to fix this shit, but I am confident I can as long as I pay attention and keep in contact to make sure I don't get taken advantage of.

Like earlier today, some one called about one of the offers and hassled me, like to an extent where I got snappy/bitchy with him.
And this is from the girl who feels bad and guilty for not picking up the phone on the first few rings.

UGH 7-10 days til I can be through with this shit.

graduation party

Ah graduation,
a culmination of the 15 or so years I've been in school.
What better way to celebrate than with 40 or so of your sisters friends crowding your house so your to embarassed to hop in the pool. Joy. It will be fun though, maybe sometime around 10 or 11 I'll jump in..
:) funfunfun

p.s. watermelon vodka+two thumbs up!

Growing up

Apparently just because you're old enough to get a credit card, doesn't mean your smart enough to realize how to spend money well :(

I like you so much better when you're naked

I think this song was created to drive people crazy.
It's so insanely catchy and, well, people usually get the wrong idea if you go around singing about how much you like them when they're naked.
Wonder why?

College is calling.
I've got to head up on saturday and take my testing for placement, which honestly seems like a waste. I mean, I'm not a wonderkid of anything but even I have to admit I'm rather clever.
I've always been in honors or AP classes until this last year and even though I didn't get the most lovely grades, my teachers loved me and I knew more than most of the class. I was so entrenched in my eating disorder and depression I couldn't concentrate long enough to write essays.
Speaches, presentations
no problem
Ask for the not cards or outline for them,
there's my issue.
I like writing this down but when I do I often get so sidetracked that I'll go on tangents about nothing for two or three pages.
Now that I'm getting tx for the ADD as well as getting through my other bullshit, things are looking lovely!

In the beginning...

There was a girl. This girl grew up in a quaint little family in pennsylvania. Her father was a car theife and her mother was a speed freak. She also had two sibblings. One day her father pulled a gun on her mother and when the girl saw this she called the police; after everything was said and done the little girl got in trouble for involving them. From that day on the little girl knew people were fucked up, and if she wanted good things, she's have to work on her own to get them.
Eventually she met a boy.
He was a nurse at the hospital she worked at and seemed like a straight upright kind of guy. Once she was pregnant and married to the boy he was caught stealing drugs from their hospital and sent to rehab. Eventually the boy and the girl had their baby as well as another. Both pregnancies ended up complicated and the boy left the girl home alone all day to watch her two babies.
The boy was a jerk though.
The boy ended up hitting the girl.
She gave him a free pass.
The boy did it again.
The girl packed up her babies, took anything sellable, cut the cords to his electronics, and came back later to slash his tires.
The girl then had to raise two of her own little girls, the first, a sick little girl who would prove difficult and disabled, and another who wanted nothing but to please and worked so hard to make it in a fucked up family with a fucked up history

I am the first daughter.