Oh snow. I'm a great big nerd so I usually read when I have free time, and when I don't I skip out on stuff I need to and read anyway.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Dirty Dirty Girl
I suppose I now qualify as a dirty liar in my own book.
What with the lack of blogginess.
But!
For once an alright excuse.
For a bit I was just swamped with school and ways to procrastinate doing any actual work, but then I caught what I lovingly call 'plague'.
I coughed once on Thursday mid-afternoon and by Friday morning I had a high ass fever and hurt all over.
The weekend pretty much disappeared because I wasn't aloud out of my room (so no one else gets sick, I suppose I picked plague up from nowhere) and when I was outside of it I wasn't very lucid.
I've still got a fever but I can breathe again so there's a plus.
What's not a plus is everyone opening windows because it's 'lovely' outside, while I'm shivering under blankets and whatnot.
BrrrrrShiver.
Oh well!
I'm spoiling myself with lovely things so in the next week or two I'll be getting 2 dresses and a smashbox set.
I'd hoped to buy tickets to see Florence and the Machine but of course everything is sold out, so la la la.
Which is rather hilarious to me because everyone I know 'kinda' knows of Dog Days Are Over, and honestly while the song is absolutely marvelous it's not even in my top 3 off of Lungs.
- Cosmic Love
- Drumming Song
- Howl/Rabbit Heart
I swear, Florence's voice is magical.
Oh well, I shall leave ye with the wonderous video for Drumming Song
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Love and Other Drugs (no the title has nothing to do with the post)
I don't quite know how to begin this post.
I guess for everyone who doesn't keep up with these things and just decided to check this or is new to my facebook/blog I'll summarize my summer.
I spent this summer (June 14th through August 12th in a residential Eating Disorder Center called Castle Wood. Frankly speaking Castle Wood is as good as it gets.
Not only did they help me work on the things that I needed to get to move on from my past (so I wouldn't 'symptom swap, and hurt myself in other ways once old pain arose again) but they also helped me admit that there was old pain in my past.
I've always been very flippant about my past, "Oh yeah, my family is fucked up," without really telling myself or letting myself recognize how that could have effected me.
It did.
It hurt, and I refused to let myself admit that it hurt. I wanted to think I was the one who made everyone hurt. I was the one who made others hurt me.
No one else in my position could do that, but I was special, I was messed up in special ways.
In my family, for generations there has been a triangle of abuse (Karpman, 1968), physical, emotional, neglectful, who knows.
Abuser
/ \
Abused Rescuer
I've been in all 3 positions, as have almost all members of my family. In the circumstances though, without knowing why or how to stop this, even what was going on, it's hard to blame. Blame isn't necessary in most of the cases in my family though. What is, is recognition that actions have been wrong. Certain things done by all of us were wrong, and though they cannot be take back, they must be learned from so they're not repeated.
Without the help of Castle Wood and my amazing Therapist, Laura Wood, I wouldn't have been able to see this.
Trauma has always been sort of a scary word for me. Sort of like sex, it just wasn't allowed around me. Laura and the staff helped me realize that growing up I did go through a lot of Trauma and it did effect my psychological development and my Bulimia/EDNOS.
It was a rough but magical summer and I learned a lot.
I wanted to come home almost every week and after I was home my grandmother told me one of the online staff told her to be prepared for calls like that; that means that therapy is working most of the time and the parts of me that don't want to give up my eating disorder and negative behaviors are fighting back.
I met amazing people, both staff and friends and I'll never forget any of them.
After coming home some things were a mess. I back slid a bunch and eventually ended up ennrolling full time in school, something that was not supposed to happen and did not bode well for me.
Things are rough but still do-able.
My mom's pretty ill currently and that's pretty stressful and I'm also having a pretty tough time with motivation to do things around the house.
Hopefully I can try and figure out a way to set out times to do things and that will help me figure things out and get things done, at least it will show my mom that I'm trying.
I'm really wanting to show everyone that I can do this, I've thrown out my scale, been using my prescriptions as prescribed (mostly, I have cut down on my Klonipin and Metadate (the Metadate NEEDS to me changed, but I see my doctor next week) and although my intake has been irregular, it hasn't been a huge issue.
(And living out of a mini fridge isn't exactly in line with both my fickleness and the variety I'm supposed to use, although it would be better to use it at all)
I suppose I'm doing well, considering the circumstances, and I'm trying to make the best of it, even if it might not look like it most days at face value.
I love all of you and thank you for the amazing support,
Cassidy.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Oh Weary Traveler
Things I hate about road trips (or, the trip down to visit my sister)
- Having to listen to other people's music the whole way.
- Finding out that even more people are coming at the last minute (as in once you've left and just happen to end up picking them up on the way)
- Being outnumbered by idiots
- Drivers who mention every 2 minutes how tired they are (oh yes, I feel safer now)
- Weirdness with Dad's girlfriend thing.
Things I love about them
- I get to see my sister!!!
- My sister is amazing at scamming money from my dad.
- I like how hotel rooms have air conditioners that you don't have to pay extra for, even when you turn your room into an ice box.
- MY SISTER!!!
Friday, October 1, 2010
I'm getting blogg-y bitches (and being creeped upon)
So my darlings, I must confess (that my loneliness is killing me now-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow, nah for realz though) that I am a pretty shit blogger.
I'm sure I've said this again and again, but come on.
I'm more sporadic in my posting that even my mood swings (oh crazy humor).
Luckily though, (fingers-crossed) I feel like I'm getting into the swing of things with journaling again and thusly my blog should benefit from this, at least in theory.
See there's this little issue where as I'm a silly little miss who didn't exactly plan on the fact that I pretty much am facebook amigos with my entire family.
And love 'em to death and all, but come on, sometimes the internet is the internet just because of the anonymous factor.
I mean, bitching and ranting and raving silently just doesn't have the flair when just anyone can hop on and take a peak.
Granted few bother, but one member of my beloved clan in particular (shout outs) did call me out on the previously mentioned class skip-page and while being surprisingly cool about the entire situation, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a tad awkward.
Legit, my family can be totes cool sometimes, and they can also be totes insane as well (I didn't get it from nowhere)
Anyway luvs,
ideally after commencing with operation make my house squeaky flipping clean (long story) I'll be back and mixing things up on Blogger.
Until then,
XOXO
Your Clever Mistress
Friday, September 10, 2010
Boing Boing...Straight to Conclusions I go
I swear, loyal and pretend readers, I am just the darn tooting queen of conclusion making.
A couple of bad ass days and I think my entire life has gone to hell.
Of course the opposite has also been known to happen, ie; my first month of CastleWood in which I had convinced myself that my home life with my mother was stable and although there might be some minor tiffs, everything was normal.
Basically, this is a post to re-neg on the previous.
Maybe re-neg wouldn't be the right term, because most of what I mentioned was true.
I was losing track of symptom usage and I was getting into a pattern of forgetting to take my medication and only being reminded when I would have symptoms of not taking my Effexor.
It really opened my eyes.
A lot of things have been opening my eyes recently.
I'm just now, in the third or so week of school, realizing that I'm a sophomore in college.
The time for games has come and gone, no matter what it may seem like.
Like today for instance, a rough draft of a paper is due at 10am, and I forgot to bring in the book I needed to get it done this morning. Not only did I wait until the morning it was due to do it, but I forgot to bring the book.
I'm just going to have to accept the consequences, which can also be looked at as immature because there were probably ways I could have gotten a lot done even with out the book itself and I just chose not to.
In reality, just seeing that you are doing something wrong and saying you'll do better next time isn't quite good enough most of the time.
And what is bothering me more is a nagging urge to continue the pattern of 'slacking' today and skip out on my Abnormal Psych class.
We've been going over a lot of rather bland stuff regarding things I've basically learned in every single psych class I've ever taken since high school. In high school it was interesting, even in the first class in college, now though, it's gotten tedious.
I wanted to take abnormal psych because I've basically lived abnormal psych.
Honestly, there's hardly a diagnosis I haven't seemed to fit at one point besides like, kinky sexual shit.
Even Aspergers, some of my really great acquaintances (and I only use that term and not friend because we hardly see each other and a pretty much bus stop book friends) has aspergers and whenever people get rude about differences in her affect or mannerisms I get pretty pissed. Seriously, I think she's one of the most wonderfully natured people in the world and she's so passionate about so many things. Just because of a difference that doesn't really stick out unless you're looking for it in the real world, some people get fidgety.
Ugh rant time over.
A couple of bad ass days and I think my entire life has gone to hell.
Of course the opposite has also been known to happen, ie; my first month of CastleWood in which I had convinced myself that my home life with my mother was stable and although there might be some minor tiffs, everything was normal.
Basically, this is a post to re-neg on the previous.
Maybe re-neg wouldn't be the right term, because most of what I mentioned was true.
I was losing track of symptom usage and I was getting into a pattern of forgetting to take my medication and only being reminded when I would have symptoms of not taking my Effexor.
It really opened my eyes.
A lot of things have been opening my eyes recently.
I'm just now, in the third or so week of school, realizing that I'm a sophomore in college.
The time for games has come and gone, no matter what it may seem like.
Like today for instance, a rough draft of a paper is due at 10am, and I forgot to bring in the book I needed to get it done this morning. Not only did I wait until the morning it was due to do it, but I forgot to bring the book.
I'm just going to have to accept the consequences, which can also be looked at as immature because there were probably ways I could have gotten a lot done even with out the book itself and I just chose not to.
In reality, just seeing that you are doing something wrong and saying you'll do better next time isn't quite good enough most of the time.
And what is bothering me more is a nagging urge to continue the pattern of 'slacking' today and skip out on my Abnormal Psych class.
We've been going over a lot of rather bland stuff regarding things I've basically learned in every single psych class I've ever taken since high school. In high school it was interesting, even in the first class in college, now though, it's gotten tedious.
I wanted to take abnormal psych because I've basically lived abnormal psych.
Honestly, there's hardly a diagnosis I haven't seemed to fit at one point besides like, kinky sexual shit.
Even Aspergers, some of my really great acquaintances (and I only use that term and not friend because we hardly see each other and a pretty much bus stop book friends) has aspergers and whenever people get rude about differences in her affect or mannerisms I get pretty pissed. Seriously, I think she's one of the most wonderfully natured people in the world and she's so passionate about so many things. Just because of a difference that doesn't really stick out unless you're looking for it in the real world, some people get fidgety.
Ugh rant time over.
Trust me darlings, that rant was a doozy, I did myself and y'all a favor my making it tiny and not so obtrusive.
I just wanted to get it out there that my life is in face not all encompassing black pit of doom.
I'm not exactly s****ing rainbows either, but I'm usually comfortable in the balance.
I'm putting on my big girl panties (which is a lovely word by the way) and standing up for myself. I'm not some dainty flower; no matter how lovely that would be, and I'm not some indestructible tonka truck either.
I deserve respect and I'm damn well going to get it where I can find it.
I also have to respect the rights and needs of others.
In the words of my mom (in regaurds to how I can fix my relationship with my sister, even though I don't quite agree totally with this advice because I believe this is a two way street, even if this will be a start) "start treating her (them) like a human being."
And damn it if that wasn't some of the best advice I've ever gotten in my life.
I commented earlier on a bff's facebook status that a good friend of her's was on to something with the saying TFGIF (Thank F***ing God It's Friday) and ya know, I think my mom might be on to something too with this idea about treating other people like human beings.
Maybe even treating myself like a human being?
What a different and radical move.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Some not so minor regression...
So these past few weeks have been rough.
There's no getting around it.
I've been slipping pretty steadily and it a good amount of denial.
I haven't really been working a lot on communication issues within the fam. and then with school and a whole bunch of stuff like a possible move coming up in the next few months have really left me pretty run down.
On top of that, I haven't been as on top of my meds as I should be. I forgot them yesterday and the day before and couldn't even hardly get out of bed.
Luckily I realized it late last night but I could have gotten really sick.
Between losing track of my eating disordered symptoms and my behavioral symptoms a general non-challant attitude about school is getting in the way of success.
I've had one therapy appointment and after this week, because of the short week we couldn't get in an appointment, we'll see each other every week, and then I've got an appointment with Dr. Bauer on the 14th.
I'm just feeling like I'm running around in circles and doing the same thing over and over again.
Oh well, things are bound to get better as long as I'm trying.
There's no getting around it.
I've been slipping pretty steadily and it a good amount of denial.
I haven't really been working a lot on communication issues within the fam. and then with school and a whole bunch of stuff like a possible move coming up in the next few months have really left me pretty run down.
On top of that, I haven't been as on top of my meds as I should be. I forgot them yesterday and the day before and couldn't even hardly get out of bed.
Luckily I realized it late last night but I could have gotten really sick.
Between losing track of my eating disordered symptoms and my behavioral symptoms a general non-challant attitude about school is getting in the way of success.
I've had one therapy appointment and after this week, because of the short week we couldn't get in an appointment, we'll see each other every week, and then I've got an appointment with Dr. Bauer on the 14th.
I'm just feeling like I'm running around in circles and doing the same thing over and over again.
Oh well, things are bound to get better as long as I'm trying.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Getting back on track
After skipping school when my bus never came, I'm back in today and although I messed up royally with my A.M. meal, I'm making healthy plans for this afternoon.
I'm starting to get involved with school more and more and although it's tough I'm really putting myself out there and trying to move on after Castlewood.
I just had my first therapy session yesterday and without a ride I had to do it over Skype which sort of sucked, but in the future that shouldn't happen hopefully, and I'm seeing Dr. B on the 14th.
Things have been rough, there is a lot going on right now (including me rushing this post so I can find a book in the library and get to class), but I've pulled through much harder and I can do this too.
More updates later ladies.
XoXo
I'm starting to get involved with school more and more and although it's tough I'm really putting myself out there and trying to move on after Castlewood.
I just had my first therapy session yesterday and without a ride I had to do it over Skype which sort of sucked, but in the future that shouldn't happen hopefully, and I'm seeing Dr. B on the 14th.
Things have been rough, there is a lot going on right now (including me rushing this post so I can find a book in the library and get to class), but I've pulled through much harder and I can do this too.
More updates later ladies.
XoXo
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Yet More Emo Homebound Poetry...
Blood is thicker than water...that is what they say. But in truth, so are a lot of things."---Gemma Doyle in The Sweet Far Thing
You talk like I am waste
Scum on the bottom of old shoes
Screaming schrieking words
Slamming me like fists
They beat me down.
But in the bruises I find hope
Like Angels on my shoulders
They tell me I am presious.
I am worthy of my blood.
Sometimes I smile
As the blows rain down
Angels whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
They say it won't be long
You talk like I am waste
Scum on the bottom of old shoes
Screaming schrieking words
Slamming me like fists
They beat me down.
But in the bruises I find hope
Like Angels on my shoulders
They tell me I am presious.
I am worthy of my blood.
Sometimes I smile
As the blows rain down
Angels whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
They say it won't be long
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Old School Home-Bound Poetry
"Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive"--- Josephine Hart
You've pushed me down for far too long
And now I'm growing to be strong
What's done is done
You think you've won
And that that you'll
Pass this test
I'm seeing through your lies
I'm all that you've got left
I'm damaged, broken
Few marbles left
And yet
I see that I've Survived
Let's see how you handle it.
This world of spite and hate
You'll wish for hope
You'll seek you're death,
Some solace help.
Sometimes it comes too late.
You've pushed me down for far too long
And now I'm growing to be strong
What's done is done
You think you've won
And that that you'll
Pass this test
I'm seeing through your lies
I'm all that you've got left
I'm damaged, broken
Few marbles left
And yet
I see that I've Survived
Let's see how you handle it.
This world of spite and hate
You'll wish for hope
You'll seek you're death,
Some solace help.
Sometimes it comes too late.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Helen by Hilda Doolittle (with my analysis from Intro to Poetry)
Helen
All Greece hates
the still eyes in the white face,
the lustre as of olives
where she stands,
and the white hands.
All Greece reviles
the wan face when she smiles,
hating it deeper still
when it grows wan and white,
remembering past enchantments
and past ills.
Greece sees unmoved,
God's daughter, born of love,
the beauty of cool feet
and slenderest knees,
could love indeed the maid,
only if she were laid,
white ash amid funereal cypresses.
Poetry Journal Chapter 13
Helen
By H.D. Doolittle
Feeling
This poem was a joy to read. I’ve always loved the greek myths and I’ve tried again and again to think of things from the perspective of a woman back then. Helen is such a complicated character, and there are so many unanswered questions about what she was feeling and thinking. This is a great example of the things she must have known about what she, or at least the idea of her, was doing to Greece.
Interpretation
Doolittle is sinking deeper than Homer, or anyone else, has done into the consequences of Helen’s capture by Paris. Helen is the most beautiful woman in the world and her beauty caused, at least superficially, the Trojan war. Greece apprecitated her beauty, and even swore to protect her before she was married to Menelaus. After Helen is taken by Paris back to Troy everyone is thrown for a loop and sinks into war. Helen is so incredibly beautiful that nonone can deny her that; however, her beauty is both a treasure and a curse. Everyone can see she is amazingly beautiful, perfect even, but they can also see that this beauty is tearing Greece apart. Whenever anyone sees or thinks about her their ideas of her are tainted by the fact that she is stuck in the middle of the war. No one can really feel like she is loyal to them because she’s been on both sides before. The only way anyone will ever be able to appreciate Helen, or her beauty for itself is when the is dead. Then all that there is to see is her remains, left there with nothing tied down to it. Then, and only then, can Helen’s truly be seen as a beautiful person without the black stain of the war blocking that. She’s just so unbareably beautiful that noone can bare to love her until she’s gone.
Technique
Doolittle uses so many vague literary techniques. The poem itself is an allusion to Homer’s Iliad. Throughout the poem Doolittle also uses sporadic rhyme that puts a great emphasis on certain lines. In the first two lines, she uses the words hates and face as a slant rhyme and it really serves to point out what the general theme of the poem will be (all Greece hates this woman for her terrible beauty). Rich language gives a peek into the image of certain aspects of Helen. Doolittle tells us she is pale and slender, and yet still allows the imagination to fill in the blanks and lets the reader create their own Helen.
Question
What purpose does omitting Helen’s name from the poem itself serve?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Baby Steps
After this last post (and an amazing convo with my cousin's little bffs, in which I got called 'pretty-ful' by a 9 year old) I decided that I might get back into writing again.
For starters I'm just submitting existing stuff, but eventually I'll get to expanding ideas I've got.
I've suppose now I've got a confession to make.
I am a fanfiction junkie.
I started out in 6th grade reading/writing Buffy the Vampire (BtVS) stories (I was such a Buffy/Spike junkie).
I ended up almost filling a large notebook I affectionately called my monkey book (it had 3 fuzzy monkeys on the cover).
Let's just say, passing 8th grade math was kind of a miracle.
Anyways, I've gone through BtVs, Gossip Girl, Angel, FIrefly, Harry Potter, and now Twilight fanfiction.
It's probs one of my most healthy hobbies, even if I do get pretty into it and pass away buttloads of time without noticing.
It makes me happy, and that's a pretty big plus right now.
For starters I'm just submitting existing stuff, but eventually I'll get to expanding ideas I've got.
I've suppose now I've got a confession to make.
I am a fanfiction junkie.
I started out in 6th grade reading/writing Buffy the Vampire (BtVS) stories (I was such a Buffy/Spike junkie).
I ended up almost filling a large notebook I affectionately called my monkey book (it had 3 fuzzy monkeys on the cover).
Let's just say, passing 8th grade math was kind of a miracle.
Anyways, I've gone through BtVs, Gossip Girl, Angel, FIrefly, Harry Potter, and now Twilight fanfiction.
It's probs one of my most healthy hobbies, even if I do get pretty into it and pass away buttloads of time without noticing.
It makes me happy, and that's a pretty big plus right now.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Writing?
So recently I got a rather unexpected question on formspring.
Someone asked why I'm not submitting the shit I write anymore.
Frankly, I guess it's because I don't really write anymore.
Besides my self indulgent ramblings on blogger and the rare wordy review on fanfiction.net , I don't really write much more than what will fit into a twitter or facebook update.
I guess that'll be something to look forward to this summer, getting back into the swing of things with writing.
I wrote something tiny and mushy for Renfrew Connections less than a year ago, but ever since then things have just gone downhill with both myself and my writing.
Idk,
I guess I'll have to think about this a lot in the 19 days until I pop into Castlewood.
Someone asked why I'm not submitting the shit I write anymore.
Frankly, I guess it's because I don't really write anymore.
Besides my self indulgent ramblings on blogger and the rare wordy review on fanfiction.net , I don't really write much more than what will fit into a twitter or facebook update.
I guess that'll be something to look forward to this summer, getting back into the swing of things with writing.
I wrote something tiny and mushy for Renfrew Connections less than a year ago, but ever since then things have just gone downhill with both myself and my writing.
Idk,
I guess I'll have to think about this a lot in the 19 days until I pop into Castlewood.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Why don't you write and submit more of your writings? You are an extremely talented writer as demonstrated by the fact that when you Do submit, you get published every time. Think about it.
Oh wow! I've got no idea who wrote this but I'm kind of in love with you.
I'm a little weary about publishing anything anymore, I really feel like a fake after I've said I was doing really well in my Connections thing, and now here I sit, not even a year later wanting to disappear.
So, Idk, I do want to write a book someday, frankly I think I've reached the point where I'm to crazy not to write a book.
But thanks,
<3
Friday, May 14, 2010
What do you do on weekends? What do you do durning the week?
Haha, this one is funny. Pretty much all I do in life is go to school and read. Sometimes I'll chill with the fam. especially now that I've got a new cousin (2 months old tomorrow) but that's pretty much it. Not being able to drive and feeling so socially awkward has severely limited my outside of school relationships.
What kind of music do you listen to?
I listen to everything from the cast of Glee to the Cure and the Sex Pistols, I just love music.
End of the semester purples...
Usually you'd hear something like the 'end of the semester (or more likely summer) blues', for me it seems more like the end of the semester purples.
It's a lot like that quote from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
The mixture of the sad blues and the angry reds is so volitile that the only way to even begin to sum them up is to put them together and call them purple.
I can go from having a perfectly delightful melancholy 'tude, to a raging anxiety ridden angry-as-hell bitch in 2 seconds.
My Tiffany's though, is Twilight.
It sounds so stupid, but Twilight and babies bring me down to earth in a heartbeat. Between having Aidan (my brand-spanking-new cousin who turns 2 months old today) and twilight fanfiction (not to mention Eclipse hysteria) I've been able to keep things almost alright.
Yesterday was another story though.
I woke up around 1pm, and only got out of bed because I had to spin by the doctors office to pick up my Castlewood paperwork and get my PPD test checked (as if, we all knew I didn't have fucking tuberculosis).
That was all fine and dandy and shit, only then I get up to find my mom had to leave work because her BFF, is a stupid cow and decided my mom wasn't 'helping her recovery'.
Bullshit.
This chick is mad alchoholic, which I get is rough.
But this bitch has fucked with my mom so much it's not even funny.
She gave my 19 year old sister a water bottle filled with the rummiest rum and coke I've ever smelled, and somehow figured my mom, the women who doesn't drink at all save a wine cooler or two when she goes out with said friend (before there was a problem) is a bad influence.
Fuck that shit.
My mom missed almost 2 days of work getting this bitch in and out of rehab, something my mom had no obligation to do, except for the fact that she loves this bitch and considers her her bff.
Grr, I'm just really pissed, this woman really messed with my mom's head and even though we don't always get along, she's my fucking mom, you don't mess with that shit.
So I was already anxious about this shit, then the doctor, the one I had to pay out of pocket to get a physical, faked more than half of the information on my paperwork.
At this point, I just want to fuck bitches up.
Then I end uo spending the afternoon shopping for my sister and going to my mom's doctor appointment and then wallmart, now it's almost 5 and I'm a ball of tightly wound nerves.
So I come home and pretty much have a fit over nothing.
WTF. I just wanted to come home and curl into bed, but as soon as I get home all I want to do is pout and yell.
Talk about fucking regression.
Whatevers, I've got 50 minutes of class today, then I'm so done with this school shit (until August anyway).
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!
It's a lot like that quote from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
The mixture of the sad blues and the angry reds is so volitile that the only way to even begin to sum them up is to put them together and call them purple.
I can go from having a perfectly delightful melancholy 'tude, to a raging anxiety ridden angry-as-hell bitch in 2 seconds.
My Tiffany's though, is Twilight.
It sounds so stupid, but Twilight and babies bring me down to earth in a heartbeat. Between having Aidan (my brand-spanking-new cousin who turns 2 months old today) and twilight fanfiction (not to mention Eclipse hysteria) I've been able to keep things almost alright.
Yesterday was another story though.
I woke up around 1pm, and only got out of bed because I had to spin by the doctors office to pick up my Castlewood paperwork and get my PPD test checked (as if, we all knew I didn't have fucking tuberculosis).
That was all fine and dandy and shit, only then I get up to find my mom had to leave work because her BFF, is a stupid cow and decided my mom wasn't 'helping her recovery'.
Bullshit.
This chick is mad alchoholic, which I get is rough.
But this bitch has fucked with my mom so much it's not even funny.
She gave my 19 year old sister a water bottle filled with the rummiest rum and coke I've ever smelled, and somehow figured my mom, the women who doesn't drink at all save a wine cooler or two when she goes out with said friend (before there was a problem) is a bad influence.
Fuck that shit.
My mom missed almost 2 days of work getting this bitch in and out of rehab, something my mom had no obligation to do, except for the fact that she loves this bitch and considers her her bff.
Grr, I'm just really pissed, this woman really messed with my mom's head and even though we don't always get along, she's my fucking mom, you don't mess with that shit.
So I was already anxious about this shit, then the doctor, the one I had to pay out of pocket to get a physical, faked more than half of the information on my paperwork.
At this point, I just want to fuck bitches up.
Then I end uo spending the afternoon shopping for my sister and going to my mom's doctor appointment and then wallmart, now it's almost 5 and I'm a ball of tightly wound nerves.
So I come home and pretty much have a fit over nothing.
WTF. I just wanted to come home and curl into bed, but as soon as I get home all I want to do is pout and yell.
Talk about fucking regression.
Whatevers, I've got 50 minutes of class today, then I'm so done with this school shit (until August anyway).
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The times they are a' changing
Things seem to have shifted a whole lot really damn fast over here.
My mom, who's had a pretty severe auto-ammune disease which effects her lungs, is now smoking like a chimney, trying her hand at a pretty intense online dating thing, and pushing her best friend through rehab for alcoholism.
My sister is , well, a bitch, but that's sort of the norm and I can't say I'm not to blame for some of that.
And I'm playing a fucked up waiting game with myself as to how this summer is going to end up.
It looks like my admission date to Castlewood will be either May 31st, or June 2nd, and until then I'm just convincing myself that this is the right thing to do and that the positives of this choice outweigh the negatives.
I got a check from my school around a month ago and was planning on using it to cover my doctor's appointments, bus rides, and then part of my travel expenses to get to Missouri. However, because I am a stupid bitch, that money has mostly gone towards binges and book store runs.
Hopefully working for my dad will help me get back on track with my money and at least get me back to where I would have been had I not spent so much on stupid shit.
I'm sure my family will help if I need them to, but if I have to tell them where the money went I've no doubt that if they even consider helping me, it will come with no small amount of grief.
I'm hoping I might be able to cash out on things like birthdays and holidays and whatnot instead of just begging for money, but if I can't I can always try to find other options.
One pretty big option is Belmont, in Philadelphia.
My Therapist has worked with them before and a close friend has been there, while she didn't love it (who really could), she did say it was helpful.
They also don't put up with the grief that insurance companies dole out and if the decide that you still need to be there, they'll foot the bill if you cant. (and there's no way I could).
That's one of my hugest fears about Castlewood, I'm traveling so far and I don't know how agreeable my insurance company is going to be, it's scary as hell knowing that I could very possibly get down there and pretty much be told I've got to head on back home because my insurance company doesn't think I need it.
I went through this so many times at the Renfrew center in 2007, and it tore me up, but I still only lived 40 minutes away.
Now I'm going around 15 hours away and I can't just curl into a ball and fall asleep as mommy drives her little baby home.
There's also the fact that my mother wants pretty much nothing to do with this.
She offered to pay for my hotels, but everything else is on me.
I understand that I'm 20 years old, and a certain amount of responsibility should be expected, but I've always been either to crazy, or to busy to work, and if my dad wasn't paying for my insurance deductible I wouldn't be going into treatment at all.
I really can't name all of these feelings that are rushing through me. I feel so much at some times, and then nothing at all in what seems like the blink of an eye.
I'm so frightened that I won't be 'sick enough' for Castlewood, that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to fix this, fix me.
My mom, who's had a pretty severe auto-ammune disease which effects her lungs, is now smoking like a chimney, trying her hand at a pretty intense online dating thing, and pushing her best friend through rehab for alcoholism.
My sister is , well, a bitch, but that's sort of the norm and I can't say I'm not to blame for some of that.
And I'm playing a fucked up waiting game with myself as to how this summer is going to end up.
It looks like my admission date to Castlewood will be either May 31st, or June 2nd, and until then I'm just convincing myself that this is the right thing to do and that the positives of this choice outweigh the negatives.
I got a check from my school around a month ago and was planning on using it to cover my doctor's appointments, bus rides, and then part of my travel expenses to get to Missouri. However, because I am a stupid bitch, that money has mostly gone towards binges and book store runs.
Hopefully working for my dad will help me get back on track with my money and at least get me back to where I would have been had I not spent so much on stupid shit.
I'm sure my family will help if I need them to, but if I have to tell them where the money went I've no doubt that if they even consider helping me, it will come with no small amount of grief.
I'm hoping I might be able to cash out on things like birthdays and holidays and whatnot instead of just begging for money, but if I can't I can always try to find other options.
One pretty big option is Belmont, in Philadelphia.
My Therapist has worked with them before and a close friend has been there, while she didn't love it (who really could), she did say it was helpful.
They also don't put up with the grief that insurance companies dole out and if the decide that you still need to be there, they'll foot the bill if you cant. (and there's no way I could).
That's one of my hugest fears about Castlewood, I'm traveling so far and I don't know how agreeable my insurance company is going to be, it's scary as hell knowing that I could very possibly get down there and pretty much be told I've got to head on back home because my insurance company doesn't think I need it.
I went through this so many times at the Renfrew center in 2007, and it tore me up, but I still only lived 40 minutes away.
Now I'm going around 15 hours away and I can't just curl into a ball and fall asleep as mommy drives her little baby home.
There's also the fact that my mother wants pretty much nothing to do with this.
She offered to pay for my hotels, but everything else is on me.
I understand that I'm 20 years old, and a certain amount of responsibility should be expected, but I've always been either to crazy, or to busy to work, and if my dad wasn't paying for my insurance deductible I wouldn't be going into treatment at all.
I really can't name all of these feelings that are rushing through me. I feel so much at some times, and then nothing at all in what seems like the blink of an eye.
I'm so frightened that I won't be 'sick enough' for Castlewood, that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to fix this, fix me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Book Review-- Transformations Ann Sexton
The Not-So-Grimm Truth; Ann Sexton’s Transformations
Sexton, Anne. Transformations. New York: Mariner Books, 2001. Print.
“No matter what life you lead/ the virgin is a lovely number”, so says the first lines of Ann Sexton’s “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. Blunt, controversial, and also completely true, just the makings of classic Sexton. Of course here she had a little help. Transformations, is a retelling of the iconic Grimm’s Fairy Tales by the Brothers Grimm. Plath reinvents 17 classics stories and prefaces them with stark truths; perhaps her own modern equivalents.
The illustrations by Barbara Swan look more like sketches with their rough edges that often fade out into nothing. The first of which accompanies “The Golden Key”, an introduction to the collection. Plath uses the poem to set the stage, a 16-year-old young man finds a key that unlocks Grimm’s Fairy Tales and transforms them into the remaining poems. The picture, of the young man looking through the keyhole speaks volumes. The boy is wide-eyed and seems shocked by what he sees, just like the reader will be.
Never one to mince words, Sexton jumps into the deep end and tackles “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” first. It started out as one of the most famous ‘wicked step-mother’ and ‘handsome prince’ stories, and Sexton turned it into a compelling soap opera about growing old, ignorance, innocence, and eventually revenge.
“Cinderella” is perhaps the most well known of Sextons Transformations. Found in numerous textbooks and compilations worldwide it’s an excellent example of just what Sexton in doing with Transformations. Updating it from the beginning, the poem begins
You always read about it;
the plumber with twelve children
who wins the Irish Sweepstakes.
From toilets to riches.
That story
Just with that first stanza it’s not only updated, but it’s incredibly relatable. It’s the story of the under-dog, who against all odds (and realistic hopes) succeeds. Americans eat that up, and then, making it even more lovable to the U S of A the wicked step-sisters get their eyes pecked out by crows; revenge at it’s finest.
Perhaps my favorite poem in the collection, “The Twelve Dancing Princesses” is a classic tale of teenage rebellion. Sexton plays this for all it’s worth too. Twelve overly sheltered princesses steal away at night through secret tunnels and spend all night dancing. Their father knows this and every night has a prince try to catch them but the princesses “gave the snoopy man a Mickey Finn (77)”. There's nothing like date-rape-drugs to update a fairy tale. Of course the princesses are eventually found out and “…The princesses /were torn from their night life like a baby from its pacifier. (145-146)”. Doesn’t it always end like that?
With biting sarcasm and her characteristic wit, Sexton rises above any expectations and puts a new spin on the Brothers Grimm’s iconic fairy tales. Instead of bland ‘happily ever after’ endings like the Disney company, Sexton uses her cynicism and makes it work. Transformations earns a place on any poet’s bookshelf as one of the classics.
Sexton, Anne. Transformations. New York: Mariner Books, 2001. Print.
“No matter what life you lead/ the virgin is a lovely number”, so says the first lines of Ann Sexton’s “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. Blunt, controversial, and also completely true, just the makings of classic Sexton. Of course here she had a little help. Transformations, is a retelling of the iconic Grimm’s Fairy Tales by the Brothers Grimm. Plath reinvents 17 classics stories and prefaces them with stark truths; perhaps her own modern equivalents.
The illustrations by Barbara Swan look more like sketches with their rough edges that often fade out into nothing. The first of which accompanies “The Golden Key”, an introduction to the collection. Plath uses the poem to set the stage, a 16-year-old young man finds a key that unlocks Grimm’s Fairy Tales and transforms them into the remaining poems. The picture, of the young man looking through the keyhole speaks volumes. The boy is wide-eyed and seems shocked by what he sees, just like the reader will be.
Never one to mince words, Sexton jumps into the deep end and tackles “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” first. It started out as one of the most famous ‘wicked step-mother’ and ‘handsome prince’ stories, and Sexton turned it into a compelling soap opera about growing old, ignorance, innocence, and eventually revenge.
“Cinderella” is perhaps the most well known of Sextons Transformations. Found in numerous textbooks and compilations worldwide it’s an excellent example of just what Sexton in doing with Transformations. Updating it from the beginning, the poem begins
You always read about it;
the plumber with twelve children
who wins the Irish Sweepstakes.
From toilets to riches.
That story
Just with that first stanza it’s not only updated, but it’s incredibly relatable. It’s the story of the under-dog, who against all odds (and realistic hopes) succeeds. Americans eat that up, and then, making it even more lovable to the U S of A the wicked step-sisters get their eyes pecked out by crows; revenge at it’s finest.
Perhaps my favorite poem in the collection, “The Twelve Dancing Princesses” is a classic tale of teenage rebellion. Sexton plays this for all it’s worth too. Twelve overly sheltered princesses steal away at night through secret tunnels and spend all night dancing. Their father knows this and every night has a prince try to catch them but the princesses “gave the snoopy man a Mickey Finn (77)”. There's nothing like date-rape-drugs to update a fairy tale. Of course the princesses are eventually found out and “…The princesses /were torn from their night life like a baby from its pacifier. (145-146)”. Doesn’t it always end like that?
With biting sarcasm and her characteristic wit, Sexton rises above any expectations and puts a new spin on the Brothers Grimm’s iconic fairy tales. Instead of bland ‘happily ever after’ endings like the Disney company, Sexton uses her cynicism and makes it work. Transformations earns a place on any poet’s bookshelf as one of the classics.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
What was for first job?
I worked at Williams & Sonoma for around a month and a half panicking the entire time before quitting on black friday.
What languages do you speak other than enlish? What langauges would like to learn?
I speak some german and some french.
Would you rather live in the freezing cold or super insanely hot?
COLD!!! You can always put more clothes on but there's only so much you can take off without getting arrested.
When did your Ed start? What caused it to start? Have you been in treatment for it?
My eating disorder really 'started' with a bang when I was 8. I was out of elementary school for around a month with chicken pox, the flu, and strep throat. I woke my mom up one night crying because I felt so sick to my stomach and couldn't get back to sleep, then she told me how to tickle the back of my throat to throw up, and then my stomach wouldn't hurt so much. I lost 10 lbs that month from dehydration and just not eating and I really liked that and the way I felt after throwing up. I've been in treatment for my depression/bipolar for 5 years and was in the renfrew center in 2007. There have been a whole list of day programs and psych programs for suicide attempts as well.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
...
Things are looking rough right now. I love all of you who bother reading this, and I'm sure something will change my mind, but for now I'm not sure whining about my problems online is helping.
This is the first time in years that I can actually say that I have had to restrain myself mentally from becoming suicidal.
I understand the consequences of suicide, and certainly won't be making any rash decisions that could hurt my loved ones.
I've got a therapist, psychiatrist, and a pretty decent group of friends who know what's going on.
Hopefully the next few weeks will go by pretty fast and I'll be in Castlewood before I know it.
I love you,
Cassidy
This is the first time in years that I can actually say that I have had to restrain myself mentally from becoming suicidal.
I understand the consequences of suicide, and certainly won't be making any rash decisions that could hurt my loved ones.
I've got a therapist, psychiatrist, and a pretty decent group of friends who know what's going on.
Hopefully the next few weeks will go by pretty fast and I'll be in Castlewood before I know it.
I love you,
Cassidy
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Duuuude
So my lovers,
I changed up the blog URL, for like the 3rd time.
I figure, few or no actual people read this, and those who do are shifty little fuckers who can't bother to sign in or comment, so fuck 'em.
The whole point is that I jumped on the twitter train a couple days ago and since then I decided to sync all of my accounts.
So now my fanfiction.net, twitter, and in a few minutes my formspring are all going to be under cass-tasstic or some form of that.
Bo big deal right, I'm just getting a little bored with crazy hectic real world living, and escaping to the my sarcastic brethren online seems like the thing to do.
Keep on keeping on,
XOXO
I changed up the blog URL, for like the 3rd time.
I figure, few or no actual people read this, and those who do are shifty little fuckers who can't bother to sign in or comment, so fuck 'em.
The whole point is that I jumped on the twitter train a couple days ago and since then I decided to sync all of my accounts.
So now my fanfiction.net, twitter, and in a few minutes my formspring are all going to be under cass-tasstic or some form of that.
Bo big deal right, I'm just getting a little bored with crazy hectic real world living, and escaping to the my sarcastic brethren online seems like the thing to do.
Keep on keeping on,
XOXO
Monday, April 12, 2010
Radically Accepted
Things are the way they are right now because of a million little decisions. I can't change those decisions, but I can make new ones and deal positively with the reality of my situation.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Reality Bites
So... a few days without getting bloggy.
Probs one of my shortest breaks with it since I started my first blog back in the days of Xanga.
Reality is sort of starting to sink into my admittedly depressing, but not quite so exciting/anxious mind bubble.
I ended up getting my paper done around 14 minutes before class started and luckily my BFF was with me and peer-edited it.
I usually skip all of the prep work for papers and dive into hard copies, but my comp teacher requires pre-writing, then peer edits, and then reflections with our hard copies.
I'm sure this is a good tool and will eventually help, but right now it's just kind of a bother.
I'm a good writer, I've gotten 1 B+ in that class, and the rest have been As so I'm not going to feel bad about slacking off with my prep work a little.
For now though, I just want to skip along and wake up in June.
I got my admission packet from Castlewood. It had your average 'what to bring' list, but also enlightened my to the fact that their lab draws blood every week and that'll be 45$ a stick. FML. I'm not used to this shit!
My mom works in a hospital so I usually get all of my tests and stuff done for free there, and then whenever I've been in this sort of situation I've been sort of sheltered from this side of things and my mom covered everything.
I'm sure if things get too tight she'll help me out, but she's so against this right now I really want to avoid having to ask her for anything.
Ugh, and I also found out I'll need to get a physical.
No big deal right?
Oh wait, I guess it is when your last one was in August and your insurance company only covers 1 every 2 years now that you're out of high school.
2 Words
BULL SHIT, it doesn't matter that I have to have this done to go to treatment that is covered by them or anything, nope.
But whatever, my dad said he would pay out of pocket for me, and that's pretty fucking awesome and if he didn't offer I'd be up shit's creek without a paddle.
Oh well, I'm going to the eye doctor on tuesday for new glasses, and before I can go to CW I've got to get my physical, a bunch of labs, a new TB test , an EKG, and a bone density test. FUNFUNFUN
Probs one of my shortest breaks with it since I started my first blog back in the days of Xanga.
Reality is sort of starting to sink into my admittedly depressing, but not quite so exciting/anxious mind bubble.
I ended up getting my paper done around 14 minutes before class started and luckily my BFF was with me and peer-edited it.
I usually skip all of the prep work for papers and dive into hard copies, but my comp teacher requires pre-writing, then peer edits, and then reflections with our hard copies.
I'm sure this is a good tool and will eventually help, but right now it's just kind of a bother.
I'm a good writer, I've gotten 1 B+ in that class, and the rest have been As so I'm not going to feel bad about slacking off with my prep work a little.
For now though, I just want to skip along and wake up in June.
I got my admission packet from Castlewood. It had your average 'what to bring' list, but also enlightened my to the fact that their lab draws blood every week and that'll be 45$ a stick. FML. I'm not used to this shit!
My mom works in a hospital so I usually get all of my tests and stuff done for free there, and then whenever I've been in this sort of situation I've been sort of sheltered from this side of things and my mom covered everything.
I'm sure if things get too tight she'll help me out, but she's so against this right now I really want to avoid having to ask her for anything.
Ugh, and I also found out I'll need to get a physical.
No big deal right?
Oh wait, I guess it is when your last one was in August and your insurance company only covers 1 every 2 years now that you're out of high school.
2 Words
BULL SHIT, it doesn't matter that I have to have this done to go to treatment that is covered by them or anything, nope.
But whatever, my dad said he would pay out of pocket for me, and that's pretty fucking awesome and if he didn't offer I'd be up shit's creek without a paddle.
Oh well, I'm going to the eye doctor on tuesday for new glasses, and before I can go to CW I've got to get my physical, a bunch of labs, a new TB test , an EKG, and a bone density test. FUNFUNFUN
Thursday, April 8, 2010
You are amazing and an amazing friend!!! Thanks!!!
Aww thank you.
I'm not sure who this is, but I love you.
Procrastination Station
Hola Bitches!
The week is coming to an end and with 1 class canceled, 1 I totally get and usually sleep through, and 1 class spent in the Library, tomorrow is basically done and over with.
Today however, I've got to sit my fat ass down and write a paper.
It won't be particularly difficult once I get down to it, but I don't really want to write it at all.
The topic is pretty close to home and there's no one but myself to blame for it. I'm writing about issues of identity and inequality regarding eating disorders and am focusing on the split in society (be thin but not too thin, eat burgers and fries but don't get fat). Depending on how things work out I may or may not split that focus with a bit on how an individual's diagnosis effects how other people thing of them, and how they judge themselves.
Everyone knows that all eating disorders are bad, and all are deadly, but there is a sort of 'one-up-manship' when you're dealing with eating disorders, and in the back of your head you can't help comparing yourself to someone who is 'sicker' than you.
Seriously, I feel like this year and my treatment situation is taking on a theme.
Last semester all but one of my speeches in effective speaking had to deal with eating disorders and I did my final nutrition project on them, and now this paper.
Legit, this has taken over my life, and I'd like to just put it out there that I'm sick of this shit.
I hope everyone is enjoying the weather (over here in PA it's like a million degrees).
The week is coming to an end and with 1 class canceled, 1 I totally get and usually sleep through, and 1 class spent in the Library, tomorrow is basically done and over with.
Today however, I've got to sit my fat ass down and write a paper.
It won't be particularly difficult once I get down to it, but I don't really want to write it at all.
The topic is pretty close to home and there's no one but myself to blame for it. I'm writing about issues of identity and inequality regarding eating disorders and am focusing on the split in society (be thin but not too thin, eat burgers and fries but don't get fat). Depending on how things work out I may or may not split that focus with a bit on how an individual's diagnosis effects how other people thing of them, and how they judge themselves.
Everyone knows that all eating disorders are bad, and all are deadly, but there is a sort of 'one-up-manship' when you're dealing with eating disorders, and in the back of your head you can't help comparing yourself to someone who is 'sicker' than you.
Seriously, I feel like this year and my treatment situation is taking on a theme.
Last semester all but one of my speeches in effective speaking had to deal with eating disorders and I did my final nutrition project on them, and now this paper.
Legit, this has taken over my life, and I'd like to just put it out there that I'm sick of this shit.
I hope everyone is enjoying the weather (over here in PA it's like a million degrees).
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Blissful Ignorance
Money has never been a free flowing thing for me and treatment is a notoriously expensive thing.
For a while it seemed like it was covered. My father really stepped up and actually offered to pay my insurance deductable before I'd even admitted treatment was an option.
Recently though, my dad has been going through a sticky situation, it's entirely his fault, and was entirely preventable, but it's here now so it's impossible to ignore.
He was attempting to sell his house and some previous issues caught up with him and now he can't.
Honestly that alone made me think treatment was off the agenda.
The wacky thing is that it's not.
Even though things are tough for him, he's trying to meet his commitment.
I really, not quite hate, but pity my dad, and the fact that he's doing this means a lot to me.
He's been a jerk in the past, and was downright abusive when I was younger, but I think I might be ready to move on.
I used to be incredibly fearful around him, but things have gotten a lot better.
I spent a year living with him after making some stupid choices and getting temporarily kicked out of my mom's house.
All of this is really helping/making me mature a lot.
Forgive and forget and all that stuff, I doubt I'll ever be able to do either fully, but I am moving on.
For a while it seemed like it was covered. My father really stepped up and actually offered to pay my insurance deductable before I'd even admitted treatment was an option.
Recently though, my dad has been going through a sticky situation, it's entirely his fault, and was entirely preventable, but it's here now so it's impossible to ignore.
He was attempting to sell his house and some previous issues caught up with him and now he can't.
Honestly that alone made me think treatment was off the agenda.
The wacky thing is that it's not.
Even though things are tough for him, he's trying to meet his commitment.
I really, not quite hate, but pity my dad, and the fact that he's doing this means a lot to me.
He's been a jerk in the past, and was downright abusive when I was younger, but I think I might be ready to move on.
I used to be incredibly fearful around him, but things have gotten a lot better.
I spent a year living with him after making some stupid choices and getting temporarily kicked out of my mom's house.
All of this is really helping/making me mature a lot.
Forgive and forget and all that stuff, I doubt I'll ever be able to do either fully, but I am moving on.
Monday, April 5, 2010
@#$Sigh@#$
I'm wondering if I'll ever get my shit together.
This whole waiting game is taking a toll and I'm feeling the pressure.
Some behaviors are easier to control than others, but it's still really really hard to deal with my life right now.
The Metadate helps me forget, but then this overwhelming wave of emotions crashes over me and I feel like a rag doll.
It's only a matter of time before things either brighten or get even darker and I just need to keep it together somehow until there's an opening for treatment.
I love everyone who's supporting me through this and when times get tough I'm fighting for you.
Cass
This whole waiting game is taking a toll and I'm feeling the pressure.
Some behaviors are easier to control than others, but it's still really really hard to deal with my life right now.
The Metadate helps me forget, but then this overwhelming wave of emotions crashes over me and I feel like a rag doll.
It's only a matter of time before things either brighten or get even darker and I just need to keep it together somehow until there's an opening for treatment.
I love everyone who's supporting me through this and when times get tough I'm fighting for you.
Cass
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Bad Cass...
This is Day number 1 of Cass totally forgetting her pills (which apparently makes her speak of herself in the third person). Seriously, at like 2 I was just like, "OME, I totes forgot to take my pills today. Hmm, I could go take them now, or I could keep playing with the baby".
Guess which won.
It was sort of hard to even tell myself I still need to take them today, without the pill which actually tells me like, right away, that it's working, it's just really easy to say it's no big deal.
Buuuuut...
I will be throwing down some drugs tonight. I used to take them before bed, so I'll just do that tonight.
Anyway, this has been a really 'good' tool, now I know that it isn't just the fabulous weather making me feel like hot shit.
So that's a positive.
I didn't really do much of anything this weekend. I cleaned and rearranged my room...and then failed to finnish with it so now my floor is covered in laundry again.
I do however have jeans to wear tomorrow, so that's a plus.
I guess this is fairwell for Easter Loves, I've eaten nothing but chocolate and left over Chinese today, so my tummy is a-rummbly.
Guess which won.
It was sort of hard to even tell myself I still need to take them today, without the pill which actually tells me like, right away, that it's working, it's just really easy to say it's no big deal.
Buuuuut...
I will be throwing down some drugs tonight. I used to take them before bed, so I'll just do that tonight.
Anyway, this has been a really 'good' tool, now I know that it isn't just the fabulous weather making me feel like hot shit.
So that's a positive.
I didn't really do much of anything this weekend. I cleaned and rearranged my room...and then failed to finnish with it so now my floor is covered in laundry again.
I do however have jeans to wear tomorrow, so that's a plus.
I guess this is fairwell for Easter Loves, I've eaten nothing but chocolate and left over Chinese today, so my tummy is a-rummbly.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Treatment/Life Goals
Hi Darlings,
After yesterdays tangent, and a rough evening involving me skipping a party in favor of bed time, I'm thinking I should start really thinking about the things I want to get out of treatment.
So here's my quickie list, and while I'm trying to think hard about this, treatment itself is looking really far away, so goals are difficult to think of.
1) Lose weight.
Ok, so this one wasn't too hard to think of because it's sort of a goal me with both my bulimia and treatment. I guess I should redefine this more as a 'lose weight by living and eating well' kind of thing.
I think this might actually be one of the roughest things for me to deal with. I don't handle change well, and to be losing weight, slowly (painfully slowly) is going to make me want to tear my hair out, a bald spot is the last thing I need right now.
2) Learn to be assertive without resorting to tried and true passive-agressive tendencies.
Pretty self explanatory.
3) Realize the world is not actually all about me.
(Even though it is)
4) Learn how to feel comfortable in my own rather large body.
5) Act my age.
I'm sure I could settle for a few years younger too, I'm 20 and last year I was still getting confused as a freshman in high school, I suppose all of my extra adipose has sort of an 'inca mummy' preservation effect.
6) Make a habit of doing things like chores.
This one sounds dumb, but with three dogs and a sick mom at home some one's got to pick up the slack, and it really shouldn't be such a huge deal for me to do it. However, whenever anyone asks me to do anything, even if I was planning on doing it anyway, I get irrationally angry.
7)Obviously stop cutting/purging/bingeing/restricting/disassociating
8) Survive it in general
After yesterdays tangent, and a rough evening involving me skipping a party in favor of bed time, I'm thinking I should start really thinking about the things I want to get out of treatment.
So here's my quickie list, and while I'm trying to think hard about this, treatment itself is looking really far away, so goals are difficult to think of.
1) Lose weight.
Ok, so this one wasn't too hard to think of because it's sort of a goal me with both my bulimia and treatment. I guess I should redefine this more as a 'lose weight by living and eating well' kind of thing.
I think this might actually be one of the roughest things for me to deal with. I don't handle change well, and to be losing weight, slowly (painfully slowly) is going to make me want to tear my hair out, a bald spot is the last thing I need right now.
2) Learn to be assertive without resorting to tried and true passive-agressive tendencies.
Pretty self explanatory.
3) Realize the world is not actually all about me.
(Even though it is)
4) Learn how to feel comfortable in my own rather large body.
5) Act my age.
I'm sure I could settle for a few years younger too, I'm 20 and last year I was still getting confused as a freshman in high school, I suppose all of my extra adipose has sort of an 'inca mummy' preservation effect.
6) Make a habit of doing things like chores.
This one sounds dumb, but with three dogs and a sick mom at home some one's got to pick up the slack, and it really shouldn't be such a huge deal for me to do it. However, whenever anyone asks me to do anything, even if I was planning on doing it anyway, I get irrationally angry.
7)Obviously stop cutting/purging/bingeing/restricting/disassociating
8) Survive it in general
Do you like you name? If no, would you change it and to what would you change it to?
I hate my name. I would change my name to something like Jane, for it's simplicity, Alice, for it's whimsy, or Lilly, after my great-grandmother
Friday, April 2, 2010
Ritalin Kids
Hola Chicas!
This is my first day taking Metadate, which is apparently some form of long-lasting Ritalin.
So far I feel pretty awesome, I'm feeling the same 'human' effect as I had with Concerta, but so far I haven't had the horrible nausea.
I did get a mild stomach ache, but it was more like an uncomfortable feeling instead of a 'look for the nearest trash can cause you're about to barf' kind of feeling.
I can live with the not barfing feeling.
I took my first dose around 6:40 am, and it's now 8:25, so if the 'Concerta' effect (stomach ache) is going to happen it'll be soon.
Apparently I should be feeling the effects of the medication fully by now, and I can say I do feel a lot better than I did with the Daytrana, but I think it may need to be raised a little bit.
It's funny, because one would think that because of my weight I would need larger doses of my medications to keep up with 'all my extra heft' but I'm actually really sensitive to medications.
For a long time I was on a pretty low dose of Prozac because the stimulants used to treat my ADHD ran the chance of boosting the effects of it. I just in the last two or so months doubled that dose and now I'm taking what appears to be a pretty normal dosage.
With my Lamictal I'm on a pretty normal dose, it's never been raised much past what the starter pack boosted me up to and seems to really help keep me even keeled.
That's not to say I don't get hypomanic, but I haven't had a true manic episode since I've been on this dose of Lamictal (or at least when I've actually been compliant with my medications).
Even small med changes seem to have big effects on me that really don't appear to be anything like 'self fulfilling prophecy' type deals. In fact, I didn't even notice the changes in my moods corelating to med changes until after my first suicide attempt in 10th grade.
All of my major hospitalizations, even my first day treatment program a few months before 'the big bang' in 10th grade, all seemed to happen shortly after a medication change.
I've been on a pretty hefty laundry list of medications so it's been a rough ride.
Luckily things mood wise, although pretty low, don't seem to be fluctuating too much.
Bonus List of Drugs I've been on
Zoloft, Wellbutrin XR, Prozac, Abilify, Seraquil (PRN), Restoril, Trazodone, Klonopin, Ativan, Lexapro, Concerta, Daytrana, Metadate
This is my first day taking Metadate, which is apparently some form of long-lasting Ritalin.
So far I feel pretty awesome, I'm feeling the same 'human' effect as I had with Concerta, but so far I haven't had the horrible nausea.
I did get a mild stomach ache, but it was more like an uncomfortable feeling instead of a 'look for the nearest trash can cause you're about to barf' kind of feeling.
I can live with the not barfing feeling.
I took my first dose around 6:40 am, and it's now 8:25, so if the 'Concerta' effect (stomach ache) is going to happen it'll be soon.
Apparently I should be feeling the effects of the medication fully by now, and I can say I do feel a lot better than I did with the Daytrana, but I think it may need to be raised a little bit.
It's funny, because one would think that because of my weight I would need larger doses of my medications to keep up with 'all my extra heft' but I'm actually really sensitive to medications.
For a long time I was on a pretty low dose of Prozac because the stimulants used to treat my ADHD ran the chance of boosting the effects of it. I just in the last two or so months doubled that dose and now I'm taking what appears to be a pretty normal dosage.
With my Lamictal I'm on a pretty normal dose, it's never been raised much past what the starter pack boosted me up to and seems to really help keep me even keeled.
That's not to say I don't get hypomanic, but I haven't had a true manic episode since I've been on this dose of Lamictal (or at least when I've actually been compliant with my medications).
Even small med changes seem to have big effects on me that really don't appear to be anything like 'self fulfilling prophecy' type deals. In fact, I didn't even notice the changes in my moods corelating to med changes until after my first suicide attempt in 10th grade.
All of my major hospitalizations, even my first day treatment program a few months before 'the big bang' in 10th grade, all seemed to happen shortly after a medication change.
I've been on a pretty hefty laundry list of medications so it's been a rough ride.
Luckily things mood wise, although pretty low, don't seem to be fluctuating too much.
Bonus List of Drugs I've been on
Zoloft, Wellbutrin XR, Prozac, Abilify, Seraquil (PRN), Restoril, Trazodone, Klonopin, Ativan, Lexapro, Concerta, Daytrana, Metadate
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Castlewood
Soo...
It looks like this is where I'll be going this summer.
I had an interview a week ago, even though I'm just now letting it hit me.
The place looks pretty fuckawesome (or as much as rehab can be fuckawesome) so it'll be an interesting summer.
http://www.castlewoodtc.com/home.php
It looks like this is where I'll be going this summer.
I had an interview a week ago, even though I'm just now letting it hit me.
The place looks pretty fuckawesome (or as much as rehab can be fuckawesome) so it'll be an interesting summer.
http://www.castlewoodtc.com/home.php
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Rough Sailing
Hi Lovers,
Unfortunately things are looking kind of rough where I am now, and it currently looks like I'll being going back to inpatient treatment for the first time in almost 3 years.
The last three years have not been a joy-ride, but something has changed this year.
After finishing my first semester of college, and even I suppose to a lesser extent during that semester, I began slipping into a peculiar sort of depression.
I don't feel particularly sad like I usually would when I'm depressed, but I still meet the criteria for a major depressive episode.
It's more like a drained feeling, I'm just so so exhausted by everything.
As time has gone on I've been using negative behaviors to combat these feelings, and now I'm in a ditch.
It's hard to get into without using specifics, and while I realize that no body actually reads this, let me dream and believe someone could be bothered if I did.
I've got to call Renfrew sometime in the next few weeks to schedule an evaluation and get on the waiting list for whatever level of care they think I need, and then after the semester ends I'll pretty much just be waiting for their call.
The semester ends on May 12th I believe, so less than 2 months away.
Right now it feels like I'm admitting defeat for even thinking about treatment again, but my primary care physician and my therapist both agree that that's the road that is clinically indicated right now.
I've got to see my psychiatrist sometime next week I believe, and tell her about all of this, as well as fix this ADHD medication thing, so that'll be a stressful visit.
I'll probs post at least a few more times before anything happens and I'm pretty sure that my team will agree with me that when I'm doing well, blogging and writing is definitely something that helps me keep my momentum going so I'll probs be posting more after this whole situation is over with.
Unfortunately things are looking kind of rough where I am now, and it currently looks like I'll being going back to inpatient treatment for the first time in almost 3 years.
The last three years have not been a joy-ride, but something has changed this year.
After finishing my first semester of college, and even I suppose to a lesser extent during that semester, I began slipping into a peculiar sort of depression.
I don't feel particularly sad like I usually would when I'm depressed, but I still meet the criteria for a major depressive episode.
It's more like a drained feeling, I'm just so so exhausted by everything.
As time has gone on I've been using negative behaviors to combat these feelings, and now I'm in a ditch.
It's hard to get into without using specifics, and while I realize that no body actually reads this, let me dream and believe someone could be bothered if I did.
I've got to call Renfrew sometime in the next few weeks to schedule an evaluation and get on the waiting list for whatever level of care they think I need, and then after the semester ends I'll pretty much just be waiting for their call.
The semester ends on May 12th I believe, so less than 2 months away.
Right now it feels like I'm admitting defeat for even thinking about treatment again, but my primary care physician and my therapist both agree that that's the road that is clinically indicated right now.
I've got to see my psychiatrist sometime next week I believe, and tell her about all of this, as well as fix this ADHD medication thing, so that'll be a stressful visit.
I'll probs post at least a few more times before anything happens and I'm pretty sure that my team will agree with me that when I'm doing well, blogging and writing is definitely something that helps me keep my momentum going so I'll probs be posting more after this whole situation is over with.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Oh Oh Oh
I have no idea why, but I've got Mrs. Robinson stuck in my brain on repeat. I've no idea why, but it's a nice sort sort of song, so it's less annoying than something about bitches and hoes.
Simon and Garfunkel made a bum load of amazing music, and I'm sure it's not all as catchy as Mrs. Robinson, but I'm digging them a lot.
Seriously,
Hazy Shade of Winter,
Scarborough Fair,
It doesn't get much better than this.
Anyway,
if your feeling blue, need a pick me up with a sweet ass catchy tune, do yourself a favor and pick up some Simon and Garfunkel.
Simon and Garfunkel made a bum load of amazing music, and I'm sure it's not all as catchy as Mrs. Robinson, but I'm digging them a lot.
Seriously,
Hazy Shade of Winter,
Scarborough Fair,
It doesn't get much better than this.
Anyway,
if your feeling blue, need a pick me up with a sweet ass catchy tune, do yourself a favor and pick up some Simon and Garfunkel.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Mayjuh!
So, seeing as there is now less than a month until the release of NEW MOON, I would like to make a confession.
I am currently involved in a secret love affair with Major Jasper Whitlock. I know, I know, this statement will break the hearts and souls of millions of twihards, but I feel it is time to break the silence.
So Suck-it Team Edward, I called this one.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
New Blog & Old Drama
Hola Chicas!
After tossing the idea around in my head for a while, I've decided to create another blog.
I know, I know, I'm pretty crappy enough as it is updating this one, but I'm seeing that this blog has turned into more of a 'enter at your own risk' diary kind of thing; which isn't bad per say, just not what I had in mind.
I've titled the blog Rebuild & Recover because that is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to rebuild myself as a person free from ANY eating disorder, and a person able to truly enjoy life.
So far I've posted one of my favorite poems by Maya Angelou called "phenomenal woman". The first time I heard the poem, in last semester's poetry class, I thought it was kind of hokey, but hokey enough to stick with me.
Now that I've really decided to separate myself from my Bulimia I've been able to notice that it is really powerful, and I want to be that phenomenal woman. I want my charisma to be what people notice about me, not my shifty eyes and tense posture.
Anyway...theres the new blog.
In other news, I've pretty much given up on continuing my relationship with a majority of my family. My aunt is in a relationship with my cousins father for the first time in a long while, and that makes me incredibly weary and uncomfortable. It's not my story to tell, but the gist is some s*&t went down, and it was basically decided he was not a cool dude.
Well, yesterday he was over at my house (it's sort of split in two with a doorway in-between so you can get through from one side to the other), which to be fair, belongs to my grandmother and my aunt lives here too, and he was over on my side of the house helping my grandmother fiddle with her computer.
I'd been working in the dinning room then with the dogs out with me and when my grandmother brought him over I shot out like a bat out of hell and tossed the dogs outside and went into my room.
Like 5 minutes later I hear my mom get home, and the first words out of her mouth were something like, "Oh F&^$ no." Then she came back and pretty pushily told my grandmother (in her own not yet rude, but pretty aggressive way) that she really didn't want him over here.
We both realize we can't stop him from being here, as long as he stays in 'their space'.
It ended up pretty rough, and everyone (except the baby-daddy funnily enough) was yelling, and I was crying (It made me uncomfortable enough that he was so close but when his being there, and my grandmother's taking his side of things pulls my family even more apart, I was pissed, and more than a little scared) and I've pretty much given up on these relationships.
After tossing the idea around in my head for a while, I've decided to create another blog.
I know, I know, I'm pretty crappy enough as it is updating this one, but I'm seeing that this blog has turned into more of a 'enter at your own risk' diary kind of thing; which isn't bad per say, just not what I had in mind.
I've titled the blog Rebuild & Recover because that is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to rebuild myself as a person free from ANY eating disorder, and a person able to truly enjoy life.
So far I've posted one of my favorite poems by Maya Angelou called "phenomenal woman". The first time I heard the poem, in last semester's poetry class, I thought it was kind of hokey, but hokey enough to stick with me.
Now that I've really decided to separate myself from my Bulimia I've been able to notice that it is really powerful, and I want to be that phenomenal woman. I want my charisma to be what people notice about me, not my shifty eyes and tense posture.
Anyway...theres the new blog.
In other news, I've pretty much given up on continuing my relationship with a majority of my family. My aunt is in a relationship with my cousins father for the first time in a long while, and that makes me incredibly weary and uncomfortable. It's not my story to tell, but the gist is some s*&t went down, and it was basically decided he was not a cool dude.
Well, yesterday he was over at my house (it's sort of split in two with a doorway in-between so you can get through from one side to the other), which to be fair, belongs to my grandmother and my aunt lives here too, and he was over on my side of the house helping my grandmother fiddle with her computer.
I'd been working in the dinning room then with the dogs out with me and when my grandmother brought him over I shot out like a bat out of hell and tossed the dogs outside and went into my room.
Like 5 minutes later I hear my mom get home, and the first words out of her mouth were something like, "Oh F&^$ no." Then she came back and pretty pushily told my grandmother (in her own not yet rude, but pretty aggressive way) that she really didn't want him over here.
We both realize we can't stop him from being here, as long as he stays in 'their space'.
It ended up pretty rough, and everyone (except the baby-daddy funnily enough) was yelling, and I was crying (It made me uncomfortable enough that he was so close but when his being there, and my grandmother's taking his side of things pulls my family even more apart, I was pissed, and more than a little scared) and I've pretty much given up on these relationships.
My Uncle & Aunt's baby shower was today, and because things were so tense between my grandmother and us (me and mom), we didn't end up going. They were over yesterday and we did get to talk to them and told my Aunt that it was nothing to do with them and we just didn't want things to be tense at her shower and she understood.
It just pisses me off that in a situation like this my grandmother would take the side of an 'outsider' rather than my mom and me. We've both expressed our discomfort at having him around, and I've already told my grandmother that I would really appreciate it if they could arrange it so he would never be there without my aunt (not the baby shower one) around, or at least not when I was home alone.
It seemed irrational, and I admit that it is, but I would actually fear for my safety when he was at my house when I was by myself.
This was a person that I trusted when I was little, and his actions against my aunt and cousins are unforgivable in my mind.
Too much of my life has been spent being weary of people who have hurt me or my loved ones, and I really don't have the time of day to waste of worrying about him.
I'm still going to worry about my cousin Haley, she very obviously has some psychological issues that are being ignored, but I don't know how to help her unless she comes over to my side and tries to chat.
I love that little girl like she was my own child, and I've seen her go through too much for a person twice her age, but for right now I'm just going to have to pray for her and pray that she will get the help she needs before she goes through the same troubles I did.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
New DSM V
Ok, pretty much any one who cares much about psychology has seen or at least heard of the new revisions for the DSM V that came out a couple weeks ago. Here
I think I'm going to come out and say right now that I'm not loving it.
I've only really been able to focus on the changes made to the eating disorders category, and while I'm so so happy they got rid of some of the excluding factors with anorexia and the 2x per week criteria for bulimia (as well as including BED as it's own disorder), I'm not loving one other change in particular.
Bulimia non-purging-type is being nixed.
This scares and aggravates me very much folks.
I guess it's easier to start out with
why it angers me: I know way too many people who are unable to physically make themselves throw-up.
And thank god for that!
BUT, these girls meet the other billion criteria to a T and compensate by fasting/excessive exercise, and are just as physically and psychologically ill as any one else.
With the proposed changes they will most likely be shoveled in to the EDNOS category, in other words purgatory.
Insurance companies usually are greedy conniving little shits, and won't even blink about denying someone with EDNOS coverage.
I can't ethically get behind a change like this that will most likely prompt insurance companies to drop folks.
Now, why it scares me:
I also have a selfish reason to dislike this change.
Right now I'm classified as BN-NP, and the idea of not being able to identify myself as bulimic (without actually feeling/being better) scares the shit out of me ladies.
I understand that my disorder should not define me, but as long as it continues to define me according to my insurance company I doubt that thought process will be going anywhere.
I'm not really positive if these revisions are the definite honest to god changes, but hopefully things will work themselves out one way or another.
I think I'm going to come out and say right now that I'm not loving it.
I've only really been able to focus on the changes made to the eating disorders category, and while I'm so so happy they got rid of some of the excluding factors with anorexia and the 2x per week criteria for bulimia (as well as including BED as it's own disorder), I'm not loving one other change in particular.
Bulimia non-purging-type is being nixed.
This scares and aggravates me very much folks.
I guess it's easier to start out with
why it angers me: I know way too many people who are unable to physically make themselves throw-up.
And thank god for that!
BUT, these girls meet the other billion criteria to a T and compensate by fasting/excessive exercise, and are just as physically and psychologically ill as any one else.
With the proposed changes they will most likely be shoveled in to the EDNOS category, in other words purgatory.
Insurance companies usually are greedy conniving little shits, and won't even blink about denying someone with EDNOS coverage.
I can't ethically get behind a change like this that will most likely prompt insurance companies to drop folks.
Now, why it scares me:
I also have a selfish reason to dislike this change.
Right now I'm classified as BN-NP, and the idea of not being able to identify myself as bulimic (without actually feeling/being better) scares the shit out of me ladies.
I understand that my disorder should not define me, but as long as it continues to define me according to my insurance company I doubt that thought process will be going anywhere.
I'm not really positive if these revisions are the definite honest to god changes, but hopefully things will work themselves out one way or another.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Eve's Home!!!
My baby's back!
My Computer (Eve) just got home on Wednesday after getting her screen fixed.
Life is good!
Things have been going all right with me I guess.
I've been talking with Hedi (formerly known as MANBEARPIG2.0) and she's starting a DBT group up, so that should be awesome.
AND...
The Amazing Shannon Cutts is going to be at my school on Tuesday! I'm so incredibly excited for this!
Reading an article about Shannon at BCCC was what put the idea of recovery into my head.
After I read the article and started thinking about the possibility of recovery it was like the part of me that needed bulimia rebelled against the part who thought I might not and things went into overdrive for a while.
I had to do something really stupid before I got to the point where I couldn't even try to deny the fact that I needed help.
Shannon founded a program called MentorConnect and right now one of my goals is to get into a state of mind where I can join and help people.
My Computer (Eve) just got home on Wednesday after getting her screen fixed.
Life is good!
Things have been going all right with me I guess.
I've been talking with Hedi (formerly known as MANBEARPIG2.0) and she's starting a DBT group up, so that should be awesome.
AND...
The Amazing Shannon Cutts is going to be at my school on Tuesday! I'm so incredibly excited for this!
Reading an article about Shannon at BCCC was what put the idea of recovery into my head.
After I read the article and started thinking about the possibility of recovery it was like the part of me that needed bulimia rebelled against the part who thought I might not and things went into overdrive for a while.
I had to do something really stupid before I got to the point where I couldn't even try to deny the fact that I needed help.
Shannon founded a program called MentorConnect and right now one of my goals is to get into a state of mind where I can join and help people.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
What is this thing called homework?
Hi y'all!
I was looking to post an update/some new sites/ articles this weekend but homework has consumed me.
Classes started wendsday and are going great.
I'm swamped with readings and homework right now so hopefully I'll get a post in before class tomorrow but if not just remember i've got a über excuse.
XoXo
I was looking to post an update/some new sites/ articles this weekend but homework has consumed me.
Classes started wendsday and are going great.
I'm swamped with readings and homework right now so hopefully I'll get a post in before class tomorrow but if not just remember i've got a über excuse.
XoXo
Friday, January 8, 2010
Youth in Revolt
I'm sort of caught up in the title of this movie.
Even though I doubt I will see it, the title intrigues me.
I identify with it in that I'm a youth (for a little while longer) and I'm stuck in this inner battle
with both myself and my cuture that tell me I am loathsome because of my weight and 'look'.
I'm revolting culturally by saying I want to be cute, dare I say sexy, sometimes.
Fat people wear clothes too!
Fat people also have feelings and emotions sometimes too.
I try to be my best.
Even when that's not enough.
Even though I doubt I will see it, the title intrigues me.
I identify with it in that I'm a youth (for a little while longer) and I'm stuck in this inner battle
with both myself and my cuture that tell me I am loathsome because of my weight and 'look'.
I'm revolting culturally by saying I want to be cute, dare I say sexy, sometimes.
Fat people wear clothes too!
Fat people also have feelings and emotions sometimes too.
I try to be my best.
Even when that's not enough.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
10 Things Bitches
10 Things I Regret
1) Snake.Skin.Pants ('nuf said)
2) Missing almost an entire year of school and graduating late
3) Quiting ballet and soccer
4) Recreational Pharmacuticals
5) Not taking the SATs
6) B.S. Ing my way through highschool.
7) Not focusing on recovery in Renfrew
8) Not telling the truth to my fam. about SI and Ed
9) Breaking my computer so I've got to do this on my iPod
10) Bulimia..... 'nuf said part 2
9)
1) Snake.Skin.Pants ('nuf said)
2) Missing almost an entire year of school and graduating late
3) Quiting ballet and soccer
4) Recreational Pharmacuticals
5) Not taking the SATs
6) B.S. Ing my way through highschool.
7) Not focusing on recovery in Renfrew
8) Not telling the truth to my fam. about SI and Ed
9) Breaking my computer so I've got to do this on my iPod
10) Bulimia..... 'nuf said part 2
9)
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years Resolutions that have Nothing to do with "The Bod"
1. Be totes honest with my team
2. Stop Biting my fucking nails like a 4 year old
3. Act my age (20) not my shoe size (10)
4. Accept that I cannot change the crazy mess that is my family
5. Be there for Haley but also realize I cannot prevent all of the damage (long story for another day)
6. Stop being such a mess/slob
7. Focus on my future
8. Continue building relationships at school
9. Not skip classes ;P
10. Stop blaming myself for everything bad that has happened
11. Don't be defient and stop taking pills for stupid ass reasons, I'm stuck with this shit for life
12. Save money instead of binge shopping
13. Clean up my dirty fucking sailor mouth
(# 13 is obvi sarcastic but I've still got an OCD thing with even numbers)
2. Stop Biting my fucking nails like a 4 year old
3. Act my age (20) not my shoe size (10)
4. Accept that I cannot change the crazy mess that is my family
5. Be there for Haley but also realize I cannot prevent all of the damage (long story for another day)
6. Stop being such a mess/slob
7. Focus on my future
8. Continue building relationships at school
9. Not skip classes ;P
10. Stop blaming myself for everything bad that has happened
11. Don't be defient and stop taking pills for stupid ass reasons, I'm stuck with this shit for life
12. Save money instead of binge shopping
13. Clean up my dirty fucking sailor mouth
(# 13 is obvi sarcastic but I've still got an OCD thing with even numbers)
Happy F-ing NewYear!
Happy New Year Babies!
I guess I should start the new year by admitting that my last post was kind of full of shit.
Goals like that will only ruin my future.
With my sisters support I did make a new set of goals, and I'd be shitting you if I said they had nothing to do with
my 'bod'. But they are waaaaaaay more compatable with my long term future goals.
I'm looking forward to a new semester later this month and I'm pumped in general for school and may or may not be transfering out next year.
Anyway, I'm in the middle of Dexter season 2 so hope everyone else's having a super fine time.
I guess I should start the new year by admitting that my last post was kind of full of shit.
Goals like that will only ruin my future.
With my sisters support I did make a new set of goals, and I'd be shitting you if I said they had nothing to do with
my 'bod'. But they are waaaaaaay more compatable with my long term future goals.
I'm looking forward to a new semester later this month and I'm pumped in general for school and may or may not be transfering out next year.
Anyway, I'm in the middle of Dexter season 2 so hope everyone else's having a super fine time.
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