The times they are a' changing

Things seem to have shifted a whole lot really damn fast over here.

My mom, who's had a pretty severe auto-ammune disease which effects her lungs, is now smoking like a chimney, trying her hand at a pretty intense online dating thing, and pushing her best friend through rehab for alcoholism.

My sister is , well, a bitch, but that's sort of the norm and I can't say I'm not to blame for some of that.

And I'm playing a fucked up waiting game with myself as to how this summer is going to end up.
It looks like my admission date to Castlewood will be either May 31st, or June 2nd, and until then I'm just convincing myself that this is the right thing to do and that the positives of this choice outweigh the negatives.

I got a check from my school around a month ago and was planning on using it to cover my doctor's appointments, bus rides, and then part of my travel expenses to get to Missouri. However, because I am a stupid bitch, that money has mostly gone towards binges and book store runs.

Hopefully working for my dad will help me get back on track with my money and at least get me back to where I would have been had I not spent so much on stupid shit.

I'm sure my family will help if I need them to, but if I have to tell them where the money went I've no doubt that if they even consider helping me, it will come with no small amount of grief.

I'm hoping I might be able to cash out on things like birthdays and holidays and whatnot instead of just begging for money, but if I can't I can always try to find other options.

One pretty big option is Belmont, in Philadelphia.
My Therapist has worked with them before and a close friend has been there, while she didn't love it (who really could), she did say it was helpful.

They also don't put up with the grief that insurance companies dole out and if the decide that you still need to be there, they'll foot the bill if you cant. (and there's no way I could).
That's one of my hugest fears about Castlewood, I'm traveling so far and I don't know how agreeable my insurance company is going to be, it's scary as hell knowing that I could very possibly get down there and pretty much be told I've got to head on back home because my insurance company doesn't think I need it.

I went through this so many times at the Renfrew center in 2007, and it tore me up, but I still only lived 40 minutes away.
Now I'm going around 15 hours away and I can't just curl into a ball and fall asleep as mommy drives her little baby home.

There's also the fact that my mother wants pretty much nothing to do with this.
She offered to pay for my hotels, but everything else is on me.
I understand that I'm 20 years old, and a certain amount of responsibility should be expected, but I've always been either to crazy, or to busy to work, and if my dad wasn't paying for my insurance deductible I wouldn't be going into treatment at all.

I really can't name all of these feelings that are rushing through me. I feel so much at some times, and then nothing at all in what seems like the blink of an eye.

I'm so frightened that I won't be 'sick enough' for Castlewood, that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to fix this, fix me.