After tossing the idea around in my head for a while, I've decided to create another blog.
I know, I know, I'm pretty crappy enough as it is updating this one, but I'm seeing that this blog has turned into more of a 'enter at your own risk' diary kind of thing; which isn't bad per say, just not what I had in mind.
I've titled the blog Rebuild & Recover because that is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to rebuild myself as a person free from ANY eating disorder, and a person able to truly enjoy life.
So far I've posted one of my favorite poems by Maya Angelou called "phenomenal woman". The first time I heard the poem, in last semester's poetry class, I thought it was kind of hokey, but hokey enough to stick with me.
Now that I've really decided to separate myself from my Bulimia I've been able to notice that it is really powerful, and I want to be that phenomenal woman. I want my charisma to be what people notice about me, not my shifty eyes and tense posture.
Anyway...theres the new blog.
In other news, I've pretty much given up on continuing my relationship with a majority of my family. My aunt is in a relationship with my cousins father for the first time in a long while, and that makes me incredibly weary and uncomfortable. It's not my story to tell, but the gist is some s*&t went down, and it was basically decided he was not a cool dude.
Well, yesterday he was over at my house (it's sort of split in two with a doorway in-between so you can get through from one side to the other), which to be fair, belongs to my grandmother and my aunt lives here too, and he was over on my side of the house helping my grandmother fiddle with her computer.
I'd been working in the dinning room then with the dogs out with me and when my grandmother brought him over I shot out like a bat out of hell and tossed the dogs outside and went into my room.
Like 5 minutes later I hear my mom get home, and the first words out of her mouth were something like, "Oh F&^$ no." Then she came back and pretty pushily told my grandmother (in her own not yet rude, but pretty aggressive way) that she really didn't want him over here.
We both realize we can't stop him from being here, as long as he stays in 'their space'.
It ended up pretty rough, and everyone (except the baby-daddy funnily enough) was yelling, and I was crying (It made me uncomfortable enough that he was so close but when his being there, and my grandmother's taking his side of things pulls my family even more apart, I was pissed, and more than a little scared) and I've pretty much given up on these relationships.
My Uncle & Aunt's baby shower was today, and because things were so tense between my grandmother and us (me and mom), we didn't end up going. They were over yesterday and we did get to talk to them and told my Aunt that it was nothing to do with them and we just didn't want things to be tense at her shower and she understood.
It just pisses me off that in a situation like this my grandmother would take the side of an 'outsider' rather than my mom and me. We've both expressed our discomfort at having him around, and I've already told my grandmother that I would really appreciate it if they could arrange it so he would never be there without my aunt (not the baby shower one) around, or at least not when I was home alone.
It seemed irrational, and I admit that it is, but I would actually fear for my safety when he was at my house when I was by myself.
This was a person that I trusted when I was little, and his actions against my aunt and cousins are unforgivable in my mind.
Too much of my life has been spent being weary of people who have hurt me or my loved ones, and I really don't have the time of day to waste of worrying about him.
I'm still going to worry about my cousin Haley, she very obviously has some psychological issues that are being ignored, but I don't know how to help her unless she comes over to my side and tries to chat.
I love that little girl like she was my own child, and I've seen her go through too much for a person twice her age, but for right now I'm just going to have to pray for her and pray that she will get the help she needs before she goes through the same troubles I did.
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